A couple of months ago Fern published a post about not being OK with the idea of being OK. I didn't think much of it at the time but recently I've been going back and re-reading it.
I've also come to the realisation that our "plan" to start trying next year won't work. If I go on maternity from next year I won't get any maternity pay so won't be able to spend the time with my child that I'd want to. So that means at least 2 years. But that didn't send me crazy.
In fact something strange has been happening with my baby crazies; they've dipped. In fact some days they seem to have gone all together. On those days I start to think of all the reasons why having a child right now is a bad idea and I can list all the reasons and feel...fine. On those days that doesn't scare me.
Then I'll have a dream or just a fleeting thought and all those emotions and feelings come flooding back until I'm drowning in them. But that has been happening less and less.
Some bits have gotten worse. I still struggle to be around young children, I still struggle to be around some parents. But not because it hurts... because it doesn't; it feels numb. I don't feel anything around children any more. Have I really gotten to the point that I've cut myself off from all basic maternal instinct? And if I have, why doesn't that scare me? Why does that, too, just leave me feeling numb.
Writing this 6 months ago I would have been in tears. Now I'm sitting here and, though I feel some anxiety about admitting all this here, I don't feel upset. I don't feel much of anything. And though I know that should scare me, it doesn't. It feels... nice. Not to be tugged one way or another, not to be in turmoil, it's not exactly peace, but it's not the ranging war it was. It think, maybe, this will be OK for a while. I think being OK with the idea of being OK with not being a mum is OK for now. I think OK is the best I'm going to get, so I'll take it. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I don't want it to last, but, for right now, I want it to stay.
