So exciting things are happening in my life at the moment - the Husbit and I are looking at flats. It is very unlikely to lead anywhere - our budget is restricted and house prices are high round us - but looking is fun.
And distressing. I realise how unrealistic some of my thoughts were regarding buying a family home in the next few years. I realise that I am going to have to raise children in a flat because if we wait to afford a house then my ovaries will have shrivelled first. Husbit has always said we have to be living in a house. this now sounds more like "no" than ever and I am afraid and sad.
I'm not sure what it will take to convince Husbit to raise a child in a flat. I'm starting to fear getting pregnant because it would make it more difficult to get a mortgage and restrict our viewings but part of me sees that as a stupid fear because to be a mother is more important to me - I'd just always assumed I'd own a house first.
Bah. Please forgive the incoherency of this. I'm not quite sure what I want to say and am really just being self-pitying.
FKL
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Friday, 9 September 2011
Illusions
I realised recently that I have built and cultivated a lovely set of illusions to help me carry on every day, aided along by things like hopefully knitting the baby blanket.
I have to believe that hubs may change his mind and decide to start a family sooner.
I have to believe that having conversations about how we'll raise our kids is him taking a step towards this decision.
I have to believe that him interacting and playing with our friends' offspring is him moving closer to being ready.
I have to keep the hope that if that isn't the case maybe the stars will align and the pill and the condom will both fail magically at the perfect time of the month to conceive.
I have to maintain these illusions because the thought of feeling like this for over two more years (after citizenship) or even over 3 years (when my loan is cleared) until he's ready paralyses me.
I can't comprehend feeling like this for that long, I can't do it it's impossible!
I'll do it, if I have to, but I can't guarantee that my sanity will be in tact by the end of it.
Thursday, 8 September 2011
Cramps
It's that dark time of the month again. My current favourite euphemism is "craving chocolate".
It's odd, but I'm currently less upset by it than normal. It may be because I'm still right at the start, the bleed has barely begun and I'm mostly just very crampy - although I have been a lot less teary the last day or so than usual. Not arguing - the accompanying headaches have been worse so it's all balanced still. Maybe the physical side of this period is being more intense than normal and the emotional side less intense.
Anyway, one of the ways I'm choosing to focus my energy is on the cramps themselves: I'm using them as practice for contractions. I'm advised my contractions are likely to focus on my front as that is where my cramps are worst, so I focus on them and deal with the pain myself without painkillers so that when I am giving birth it isn't so bad - I'm maybe a little more prepared. It's been my consolation for my very painful periods that it's preparation for giving birth and whilst the reality may be nothing alike (how would I know, hey?), it makes me feel better suffering through them now.
FKL.
It's odd, but I'm currently less upset by it than normal. It may be because I'm still right at the start, the bleed has barely begun and I'm mostly just very crampy - although I have been a lot less teary the last day or so than usual. Not arguing - the accompanying headaches have been worse so it's all balanced still. Maybe the physical side of this period is being more intense than normal and the emotional side less intense.
Anyway, one of the ways I'm choosing to focus my energy is on the cramps themselves: I'm using them as practice for contractions. I'm advised my contractions are likely to focus on my front as that is where my cramps are worst, so I focus on them and deal with the pain myself without painkillers so that when I am giving birth it isn't so bad - I'm maybe a little more prepared. It's been my consolation for my very painful periods that it's preparation for giving birth and whilst the reality may be nothing alike (how would I know, hey?), it makes me feel better suffering through them now.
FKL.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
A Ramble of Thoughts
Seems to me at work at the moment, every day I'm either hearing about someone being born or someone dying.
Today, twins were born to the cousin of a colleague. I don't know if I would want to raise twins exactly, but a little voice inside me started whining "how come she gets two when I can't even have one?" It's such a pathetic thought that I did my best to squash it down with the contempt it deserved but the resentment towards my childless-life remains. I know that having a child would bring on every sort of new challenge possible, but the changes are the sorts of changes I live for. The other day, I played with Cleverbot, who asked "What is your purpose?"
I wonder how many people struggle when faced with that question. To me, the answer is simple; my purpose, my will, my dharma is to be a mother. That is who I am born to be. Maybe in another life, my purpose will be different, but in this time and place, this is who I am and it frustrates me not to have the children to show to the world "THIS IS WHO I AM". A childless mother. That's a pretty sorry state of being, like a wingless albatross or a jawless alligater. It's limiting, confining, ultimately frustrating and it feels escapeless, at least at the moment.
It takes two to make a relationship work and this is, presently, part of my sacrifice. The relationship is worth it, but only if this sacrifice is temporary and I hate even thinking like that because it feels like I'm betraying the Husbit. Eventually, the balance will shift but I can't help feeling that his sacrifice - letting me have children - will ultimately turn out nearly as rewarding for him as for me and that makes me jealous. Which is stupid because he isn't me and our ultimate needs and desires out of this life are different.
But seeing fathers talk about their children gives me bitter-sweet hope.
FKL.
Today, twins were born to the cousin of a colleague. I don't know if I would want to raise twins exactly, but a little voice inside me started whining "how come she gets two when I can't even have one?" It's such a pathetic thought that I did my best to squash it down with the contempt it deserved but the resentment towards my childless-life remains. I know that having a child would bring on every sort of new challenge possible, but the changes are the sorts of changes I live for. The other day, I played with Cleverbot, who asked "What is your purpose?"
I wonder how many people struggle when faced with that question. To me, the answer is simple; my purpose, my will, my dharma is to be a mother. That is who I am born to be. Maybe in another life, my purpose will be different, but in this time and place, this is who I am and it frustrates me not to have the children to show to the world "THIS IS WHO I AM". A childless mother. That's a pretty sorry state of being, like a wingless albatross or a jawless alligater. It's limiting, confining, ultimately frustrating and it feels escapeless, at least at the moment.
It takes two to make a relationship work and this is, presently, part of my sacrifice. The relationship is worth it, but only if this sacrifice is temporary and I hate even thinking like that because it feels like I'm betraying the Husbit. Eventually, the balance will shift but I can't help feeling that his sacrifice - letting me have children - will ultimately turn out nearly as rewarding for him as for me and that makes me jealous. Which is stupid because he isn't me and our ultimate needs and desires out of this life are different.
But seeing fathers talk about their children gives me bitter-sweet hope.
FKL.
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