This blog was started 2 years, 8 months ago with the intention of supporting three women who were struggling with broodiness and the knowledge that life situations meant that we couldn't have kids right now.
Our struggles are each ongoing, but we have found that thinking about the blog and updating the blog has become more of a focal angst point than a supportive point. We can still chat with each other if we need to and we know we're not alone in this, but the blog has run its course.
So this is the final post from me. I expect I will pop back on occasion. There are days when reading over the posts and comments help to remind me why I've made the choices I have and that I do have support. I don't want to lose that.
On that point, I have no intention of taking this blog down. When I searched the internet nearly 3 years ago looking for a solution to my constant ache I found none. This place may not get many hits other than us, but I like the idea that it's here if anyone ever needs to find it.
Thank you for everything ladies!
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
Bridges, stepping stones and leaps of faith.
I've not been on this site for several months. I've not been in a good baby-crazy place; I've needed to cram it all down into a tiny space where I can keep it squished down and out of site to keep it out of control.
It's mostly been money. Our combined monthly income covers our necessary outgoings and some frivolities/socialising but this leaves only a minimal amount for savings, and we've had to cash those savings in more often than I could cope with. Which means dreams of owning a home big enough for a family have been crumbling.
I have felt trapped on this path, like it's a very narrow bridge that leaves no option except to keep plodding forward; cautious, weary step after cautious, weary step towards a future that held no obvious promise of improvement. The path seemed fixed and I couldn't see any way to escape.
So I've decided to do something I've never done before: I've channelled the fierce self-determination of my little sister and taken a risk. I've made a leap of faith to set myself on a new path. It's a path I've looked at, but it means putting dreams of a child on hold for another 5 years and I've never been prepared to do that, but the path I was on made it look that not only was it 50/50 whether I would have reached parenthood within 5 years anyway, but also that finances would still be tight when we got there, so there would be more stresses I could do without.
I'm going back into training to start a new vocation. I'm going to be 33 by the time I start my new career - assuming I get accepted. I will be earning more and also my parents should have retired by then - which means downsizing and providing Husbit adn I with some funds towards buying a bigger place.
It's scary. On the one hand, I wish I'd done this sooner so that I wouldn't have to be so much older by the time I'm on firmer footing, but at the same time I think I wasn't settled enough in myself to be able to land the jump.
It could still go wrong. But at least I'm trying. And no more tears before bedtime at the lack of baby - at least for now.
It's mostly been money. Our combined monthly income covers our necessary outgoings and some frivolities/socialising but this leaves only a minimal amount for savings, and we've had to cash those savings in more often than I could cope with. Which means dreams of owning a home big enough for a family have been crumbling.
I have felt trapped on this path, like it's a very narrow bridge that leaves no option except to keep plodding forward; cautious, weary step after cautious, weary step towards a future that held no obvious promise of improvement. The path seemed fixed and I couldn't see any way to escape.
So I've decided to do something I've never done before: I've channelled the fierce self-determination of my little sister and taken a risk. I've made a leap of faith to set myself on a new path. It's a path I've looked at, but it means putting dreams of a child on hold for another 5 years and I've never been prepared to do that, but the path I was on made it look that not only was it 50/50 whether I would have reached parenthood within 5 years anyway, but also that finances would still be tight when we got there, so there would be more stresses I could do without.
I'm going back into training to start a new vocation. I'm going to be 33 by the time I start my new career - assuming I get accepted. I will be earning more and also my parents should have retired by then - which means downsizing and providing Husbit adn I with some funds towards buying a bigger place.
It's scary. On the one hand, I wish I'd done this sooner so that I wouldn't have to be so much older by the time I'm on firmer footing, but at the same time I think I wasn't settled enough in myself to be able to land the jump.
It could still go wrong. But at least I'm trying. And no more tears before bedtime at the lack of baby - at least for now.
Conclusions
I have come to a conclusion.
Not yet.
Not now.
Maybe never?
If that is the case, which I know is a possibility, then maybe it is time to make a choice. For a while my relationship was in the balance. I had an option to leave and I didn't. The reasons are really neither here nor there, what is clear to me now is that I have made a choice and that choice is one man. And that man says not now.
He's never said never, but the thought that he might has haunted me for days and weeks on end in the past. As we struggled through this last year it became a roar in my ear telling me I needed more than maybes. I hate not knowing, that much I do know. So a few weeks ago I turned the question around. What if "not now" did mean "never"? I thought and thought and debated with myself but the line held and every time I came back to the same answer. The answer was, "then it meant never". I didn't go insane, I didn't beat the earth or scream the walls down. I just let that assumption settle into my chest.
It hurt. It still hurts. It may always hurt. But I want my marriage to work first and foremost right now. What ever the future brings will be a blessing, even if that doesn't include children. I'll have a life with a man I love, experiences doing the things I love, and maybe taking risks that I'd never take if I was waiting. I will have friends and a family around me regardless of what life brings me. If I am to be the eternal aunt then so be it - I'll be a damn good one!
I'm crying as I type this. I can't really explain why. But seeing it in black and white is like the final stage. Acceptance of something I never had in the first place I suppose.
I had always been so sure, growing up, the direction my life would take. What I'd do for a living, what my partner would be like, where I'd live. None of it has come true, even the stuff I thought had is falling by the wayside. So it's time for some new certainties, some new futures - one day at a time; in control of only that which I can control.
It's a new outlook and it means leaving a lot of dreams on the bedside table, not gone, but not held on to. But I think it will work out for the best in the long run.
We shall see.
Maybe.
Not yet.
Not now.
Maybe never?
If that is the case, which I know is a possibility, then maybe it is time to make a choice. For a while my relationship was in the balance. I had an option to leave and I didn't. The reasons are really neither here nor there, what is clear to me now is that I have made a choice and that choice is one man. And that man says not now.
He's never said never, but the thought that he might has haunted me for days and weeks on end in the past. As we struggled through this last year it became a roar in my ear telling me I needed more than maybes. I hate not knowing, that much I do know. So a few weeks ago I turned the question around. What if "not now" did mean "never"? I thought and thought and debated with myself but the line held and every time I came back to the same answer. The answer was, "then it meant never". I didn't go insane, I didn't beat the earth or scream the walls down. I just let that assumption settle into my chest.
It hurt. It still hurts. It may always hurt. But I want my marriage to work first and foremost right now. What ever the future brings will be a blessing, even if that doesn't include children. I'll have a life with a man I love, experiences doing the things I love, and maybe taking risks that I'd never take if I was waiting. I will have friends and a family around me regardless of what life brings me. If I am to be the eternal aunt then so be it - I'll be a damn good one!
I'm crying as I type this. I can't really explain why. But seeing it in black and white is like the final stage. Acceptance of something I never had in the first place I suppose.
I had always been so sure, growing up, the direction my life would take. What I'd do for a living, what my partner would be like, where I'd live. None of it has come true, even the stuff I thought had is falling by the wayside. So it's time for some new certainties, some new futures - one day at a time; in control of only that which I can control.
It's a new outlook and it means leaving a lot of dreams on the bedside table, not gone, but not held on to. But I think it will work out for the best in the long run.
We shall see.
Maybe.
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