This blog was started 2 years, 8 months ago with the intention of supporting three women who were struggling with broodiness and the knowledge that life situations meant that we couldn't have kids right now.
Our struggles are each ongoing, but we have found that thinking about the blog and updating the blog has become more of a focal angst point than a supportive point. We can still chat with each other if we need to and we know we're not alone in this, but the blog has run its course.
So this is the final post from me. I expect I will pop back on occasion. There are days when reading over the posts and comments help to remind me why I've made the choices I have and that I do have support. I don't want to lose that.
On that point, I have no intention of taking this blog down. When I searched the internet nearly 3 years ago looking for a solution to my constant ache I found none. This place may not get many hits other than us, but I like the idea that it's here if anyone ever needs to find it.
Thank you for everything ladies!
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
Bridges, stepping stones and leaps of faith.
I've not been on this site for several months. I've not been in a good baby-crazy place; I've needed to cram it all down into a tiny space where I can keep it squished down and out of site to keep it out of control.
It's mostly been money. Our combined monthly income covers our necessary outgoings and some frivolities/socialising but this leaves only a minimal amount for savings, and we've had to cash those savings in more often than I could cope with. Which means dreams of owning a home big enough for a family have been crumbling.
I have felt trapped on this path, like it's a very narrow bridge that leaves no option except to keep plodding forward; cautious, weary step after cautious, weary step towards a future that held no obvious promise of improvement. The path seemed fixed and I couldn't see any way to escape.
So I've decided to do something I've never done before: I've channelled the fierce self-determination of my little sister and taken a risk. I've made a leap of faith to set myself on a new path. It's a path I've looked at, but it means putting dreams of a child on hold for another 5 years and I've never been prepared to do that, but the path I was on made it look that not only was it 50/50 whether I would have reached parenthood within 5 years anyway, but also that finances would still be tight when we got there, so there would be more stresses I could do without.
I'm going back into training to start a new vocation. I'm going to be 33 by the time I start my new career - assuming I get accepted. I will be earning more and also my parents should have retired by then - which means downsizing and providing Husbit adn I with some funds towards buying a bigger place.
It's scary. On the one hand, I wish I'd done this sooner so that I wouldn't have to be so much older by the time I'm on firmer footing, but at the same time I think I wasn't settled enough in myself to be able to land the jump.
It could still go wrong. But at least I'm trying. And no more tears before bedtime at the lack of baby - at least for now.
It's mostly been money. Our combined monthly income covers our necessary outgoings and some frivolities/socialising but this leaves only a minimal amount for savings, and we've had to cash those savings in more often than I could cope with. Which means dreams of owning a home big enough for a family have been crumbling.
I have felt trapped on this path, like it's a very narrow bridge that leaves no option except to keep plodding forward; cautious, weary step after cautious, weary step towards a future that held no obvious promise of improvement. The path seemed fixed and I couldn't see any way to escape.
So I've decided to do something I've never done before: I've channelled the fierce self-determination of my little sister and taken a risk. I've made a leap of faith to set myself on a new path. It's a path I've looked at, but it means putting dreams of a child on hold for another 5 years and I've never been prepared to do that, but the path I was on made it look that not only was it 50/50 whether I would have reached parenthood within 5 years anyway, but also that finances would still be tight when we got there, so there would be more stresses I could do without.
I'm going back into training to start a new vocation. I'm going to be 33 by the time I start my new career - assuming I get accepted. I will be earning more and also my parents should have retired by then - which means downsizing and providing Husbit adn I with some funds towards buying a bigger place.
It's scary. On the one hand, I wish I'd done this sooner so that I wouldn't have to be so much older by the time I'm on firmer footing, but at the same time I think I wasn't settled enough in myself to be able to land the jump.
It could still go wrong. But at least I'm trying. And no more tears before bedtime at the lack of baby - at least for now.
Conclusions
I have come to a conclusion.
Not yet.
Not now.
Maybe never?
If that is the case, which I know is a possibility, then maybe it is time to make a choice. For a while my relationship was in the balance. I had an option to leave and I didn't. The reasons are really neither here nor there, what is clear to me now is that I have made a choice and that choice is one man. And that man says not now.
He's never said never, but the thought that he might has haunted me for days and weeks on end in the past. As we struggled through this last year it became a roar in my ear telling me I needed more than maybes. I hate not knowing, that much I do know. So a few weeks ago I turned the question around. What if "not now" did mean "never"? I thought and thought and debated with myself but the line held and every time I came back to the same answer. The answer was, "then it meant never". I didn't go insane, I didn't beat the earth or scream the walls down. I just let that assumption settle into my chest.
It hurt. It still hurts. It may always hurt. But I want my marriage to work first and foremost right now. What ever the future brings will be a blessing, even if that doesn't include children. I'll have a life with a man I love, experiences doing the things I love, and maybe taking risks that I'd never take if I was waiting. I will have friends and a family around me regardless of what life brings me. If I am to be the eternal aunt then so be it - I'll be a damn good one!
I'm crying as I type this. I can't really explain why. But seeing it in black and white is like the final stage. Acceptance of something I never had in the first place I suppose.
I had always been so sure, growing up, the direction my life would take. What I'd do for a living, what my partner would be like, where I'd live. None of it has come true, even the stuff I thought had is falling by the wayside. So it's time for some new certainties, some new futures - one day at a time; in control of only that which I can control.
It's a new outlook and it means leaving a lot of dreams on the bedside table, not gone, but not held on to. But I think it will work out for the best in the long run.
We shall see.
Maybe.
Not yet.
Not now.
Maybe never?
If that is the case, which I know is a possibility, then maybe it is time to make a choice. For a while my relationship was in the balance. I had an option to leave and I didn't. The reasons are really neither here nor there, what is clear to me now is that I have made a choice and that choice is one man. And that man says not now.
He's never said never, but the thought that he might has haunted me for days and weeks on end in the past. As we struggled through this last year it became a roar in my ear telling me I needed more than maybes. I hate not knowing, that much I do know. So a few weeks ago I turned the question around. What if "not now" did mean "never"? I thought and thought and debated with myself but the line held and every time I came back to the same answer. The answer was, "then it meant never". I didn't go insane, I didn't beat the earth or scream the walls down. I just let that assumption settle into my chest.
It hurt. It still hurts. It may always hurt. But I want my marriage to work first and foremost right now. What ever the future brings will be a blessing, even if that doesn't include children. I'll have a life with a man I love, experiences doing the things I love, and maybe taking risks that I'd never take if I was waiting. I will have friends and a family around me regardless of what life brings me. If I am to be the eternal aunt then so be it - I'll be a damn good one!
I'm crying as I type this. I can't really explain why. But seeing it in black and white is like the final stage. Acceptance of something I never had in the first place I suppose.
I had always been so sure, growing up, the direction my life would take. What I'd do for a living, what my partner would be like, where I'd live. None of it has come true, even the stuff I thought had is falling by the wayside. So it's time for some new certainties, some new futures - one day at a time; in control of only that which I can control.
It's a new outlook and it means leaving a lot of dreams on the bedside table, not gone, but not held on to. But I think it will work out for the best in the long run.
We shall see.
Maybe.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
Avoidance tactics
It has been months since I posted here. There's been a lot going on, but that's nothing new. The reason for not posting has been simple. If I don't post about it, maybe I'm not thinking about it. And, annoyingly, to a large extent that is true.
We have always maintained that it never goes away but there can be developments that help to minimise its impact and its hold on us.
I've recently suffered my first major depressive episode. I never thought I would experience something like that, I always thought I was "mentally strong" but I cracked. I went to a very dark and unhappy place that I hope to never return to. However, with help from friends, family, doctors and counsellors I'm on the mend. Part of the depression was kids, but it was a small part. There were multiple other layers and facets to the experience that I don't wish to dwell on in an open forum.
So how does that relate to minimising and avoidance? For that I have to look back. I had been blaming the baby crazy for a lot of emotions and unhappiness that wasn't strictly about the baby crazy. It was a convenient excuse for feeling down and once I was down it was a subject I could easily dwell on (and did). The first time I asked for help with my emotions I wrapped it up in the baby crazy and was told I was fine and that it would pass. That was a mistake, but I was fooling my self because "I was strong" - I couldn't possibly have depression, I was just feeling broody. And I was convincing, to myself as well as medical professionals.
So I was using the baby crazy to minimise and avoid other things. What now though? I broke, I'm getting fixed, but the baby crazy is still there. I'm just able to see it a little better. I'm not trying to stretch it around a multitude of other issues I'm avoiding so I can see it for what it is. A dull ache, the odd tearful sigh, but it's no longer debilitating. I'm able to look forward to the next few months, look towards socialising, events, opportunities coming up, and not tack on to every thought "will he change his mind?", "Can I still have kids?", "Can I keep waiting?". The questions are still there, they're still unanswered, but they are not the tag ons. Now the tag ons are "I should enjoy this right now", "I might not have the opportunity to do this in the future".
I'm holding on to those tag ons for now. They help me change the shapes of my thoughts and right now that's what I need to do. They are my avoidance tactics. How successful they are can only be answered in time.
We have always maintained that it never goes away but there can be developments that help to minimise its impact and its hold on us.
I've recently suffered my first major depressive episode. I never thought I would experience something like that, I always thought I was "mentally strong" but I cracked. I went to a very dark and unhappy place that I hope to never return to. However, with help from friends, family, doctors and counsellors I'm on the mend. Part of the depression was kids, but it was a small part. There were multiple other layers and facets to the experience that I don't wish to dwell on in an open forum.
So how does that relate to minimising and avoidance? For that I have to look back. I had been blaming the baby crazy for a lot of emotions and unhappiness that wasn't strictly about the baby crazy. It was a convenient excuse for feeling down and once I was down it was a subject I could easily dwell on (and did). The first time I asked for help with my emotions I wrapped it up in the baby crazy and was told I was fine and that it would pass. That was a mistake, but I was fooling my self because "I was strong" - I couldn't possibly have depression, I was just feeling broody. And I was convincing, to myself as well as medical professionals.
So I was using the baby crazy to minimise and avoid other things. What now though? I broke, I'm getting fixed, but the baby crazy is still there. I'm just able to see it a little better. I'm not trying to stretch it around a multitude of other issues I'm avoiding so I can see it for what it is. A dull ache, the odd tearful sigh, but it's no longer debilitating. I'm able to look forward to the next few months, look towards socialising, events, opportunities coming up, and not tack on to every thought "will he change his mind?", "Can I still have kids?", "Can I keep waiting?". The questions are still there, they're still unanswered, but they are not the tag ons. Now the tag ons are "I should enjoy this right now", "I might not have the opportunity to do this in the future".
I'm holding on to those tag ons for now. They help me change the shapes of my thoughts and right now that's what I need to do. They are my avoidance tactics. How successful they are can only be answered in time.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Conversations with my husband
There's been lots of baby-centric conversations recently. Our timeline still hasn't changed (we have a friend on a similar but less concrete timeline who when they visit asks if anything has changed. Every. Single. Time.. I think I need to get M to ask them to stop as it only serves to rub it in my face...), everything is still looking as it has been, although that deadline is slowly creeping closer. But we seem to talk about it more.
I'm not entirely sure if it helps or not.
We know three toddlers, all born within a few months of each other, who we interact with on a regular basis (plus the children of not-quite-so-close friends who we see occasionally), but the three toddlers are the focus here. Two boys and a girl, all close in age, with three very different parenting styles. And while our social commentary on those parenting styles is a conversations for another day, every time we spend some time with any of them (or in the case of my niece, we skype with her) we end up talking about said child, their behaviour, their milestones, and the associated parenting. We dissect what we like and what we'd like to replicate, and talk over the things we're not so keen on
Aside from the fact that it just reminds me that I'm being forced to wait, and I have several years until any child of ours is hitting those milestones, I do like that we're talking about it and making sure that we're on approximately the same page with things that we want to make sure that we do.
As you may have heard me mention on other social-media there is a law a hair's breadth from passing that will let us take our business to farmers markets. It'll go into effect in September with some luck. It led to a very long conversation (that started while wandering around the supermarket and carried on in the equivalent of B&Q!) about how we want the business to proceed and how we envision everything coming together. I had to be very vehement that I will sacrifice my business for starting a family, and to not even consider the opposite. I think he was a little surprised, by how strongly I felt about it if nothing else. But it was ultimately a good conversation and with some luck everything will come together in some semblance of how we would like it to.. we shall see!
Starting a family has also been mentioned a few times in conversations regarding us trying to improve our lifestyles. As previously mentioned we're going the old fashioned move more eat less route, with slow but steady progress and some mini goals and long term goals set. We want to create these habits now - having a balanced diet, eating sensibly, eating reasonable portions and not boredom or comfort eating, along with being more active - so that we can properly model them to our children, and hopefully have kids with less body image and food hang-ups than we both have.
I do like that we talk about these things, starting a family, how we want to parent and the like. It makes it more real, and that's a double edged sword. On the one hand the fact that it means it's getting closer and it is going to happen is wonderful. But it fills me with hope. Hope that gets broken and deadened with this wait, with the ups and downs of every day life, with staring at the calendar willing it to read a year and a half from now. How can I take joy in every day life, in passing events, when I'm just want them to fly by so our deadline is closer?
On a slightly random aside, I've been off the pill now for seven months. I'm very happy I chose to come off when I did as this much later my cycle is showing vague hints that it might just be starting to settle down and regulate, but that's as close as it gets. I've been a lot more emotionally stable (which doesn't really say a whole lot given my usual emotional state) and things just seem to go a little better.
I'm not entirely sure if it helps or not.
We know three toddlers, all born within a few months of each other, who we interact with on a regular basis (plus the children of not-quite-so-close friends who we see occasionally), but the three toddlers are the focus here. Two boys and a girl, all close in age, with three very different parenting styles. And while our social commentary on those parenting styles is a conversations for another day, every time we spend some time with any of them (or in the case of my niece, we skype with her) we end up talking about said child, their behaviour, their milestones, and the associated parenting. We dissect what we like and what we'd like to replicate, and talk over the things we're not so keen on
Aside from the fact that it just reminds me that I'm being forced to wait, and I have several years until any child of ours is hitting those milestones, I do like that we're talking about it and making sure that we're on approximately the same page with things that we want to make sure that we do.
As you may have heard me mention on other social-media there is a law a hair's breadth from passing that will let us take our business to farmers markets. It'll go into effect in September with some luck. It led to a very long conversation (that started while wandering around the supermarket and carried on in the equivalent of B&Q!) about how we want the business to proceed and how we envision everything coming together. I had to be very vehement that I will sacrifice my business for starting a family, and to not even consider the opposite. I think he was a little surprised, by how strongly I felt about it if nothing else. But it was ultimately a good conversation and with some luck everything will come together in some semblance of how we would like it to.. we shall see!
Starting a family has also been mentioned a few times in conversations regarding us trying to improve our lifestyles. As previously mentioned we're going the old fashioned move more eat less route, with slow but steady progress and some mini goals and long term goals set. We want to create these habits now - having a balanced diet, eating sensibly, eating reasonable portions and not boredom or comfort eating, along with being more active - so that we can properly model them to our children, and hopefully have kids with less body image and food hang-ups than we both have.
I do like that we talk about these things, starting a family, how we want to parent and the like. It makes it more real, and that's a double edged sword. On the one hand the fact that it means it's getting closer and it is going to happen is wonderful. But it fills me with hope. Hope that gets broken and deadened with this wait, with the ups and downs of every day life, with staring at the calendar willing it to read a year and a half from now. How can I take joy in every day life, in passing events, when I'm just want them to fly by so our deadline is closer?
On a slightly random aside, I've been off the pill now for seven months. I'm very happy I chose to come off when I did as this much later my cycle is showing vague hints that it might just be starting to settle down and regulate, but that's as close as it gets. I've been a lot more emotionally stable (which doesn't really say a whole lot given my usual emotional state) and things just seem to go a little better.
Sunday, 26 May 2013
Bad days
Warning: This is an unedited ramble
I'm having a bad day. The problem with bad days is that there is always someone who suffers worse than you and has more going on and who is more deserving of support than you. Therefore, your bad day is not *really* a bad.
But bad days are relative.
My bad day is a bad day for me, and I decided that was allowed. I'm not going to post on facebook, or G+ or anywhere else because, firstly, it's not something I want the world to know, and secondly, I don't want to have to explain why I feel like this and justify why this need makes me feel this bad.
So what does a "Baby day" look like. I can't speak for all, but this is my day.
Usually it starts just like every other day, but I usually have a particular stress such as being overly tired or stressed (both of which were true this morning). Sometimes, there are no stresses, and it's just there. I have nothing on the calendar that should mean I have to be around babies, but every conversation today seems* to have included babies. I got up at 11 - having had a late night - and logged on to fb. The first status was a mother posing about her kids, the fourth was a father discussing his kids. Nothing else in my feed registered. I felt like I was being bombarded with updates on kids. I logged off.
This afternoon I went to a BBQ - no babies, all good. But then conversations ranged from motherhood, 'When you own a dog they become your children', baptism and motherhood. Of course they weren't all like that, but I don't remember the others. My brain won't let me. Or I won't let me. The problem being that there is a masochistic part of me that wants to hold on to and replay these conversations so I can feel *something* or some kind of connection with motherhood. I want to engage in these conversations, even though they hurt so much, because at least then I have a line or link to those who have what I most desperately want.
However, a side effect of these conversations, as well as the initial pain they cause, is the deeper, longer-lasting jealousy which develops into guilt over said jealousy. Why jealously? I'm having these conversations with people who are parents. And the question my mind supplies, every TIME, is "What did you do right to get to have a family?" "Why do you get to have a family and I don't?". I hope it should be obvious how that quickly develops into guilt over that line of thought.
I managed to survive the BBQ, I was even "charming" by all accounts. I don't feel like I was. I feel washed out and edgy. I feel like I was trying to hold myself together just long enough. I'm still trying to hold myself together. I'm a little better her, at the end of the day, looking at a screen, trying to distract myself and focus on other things.
So what are the other things you can focus on when you're having a bad day? These will differ for every person, but for me: Chatting on facebook, reading news articles on education, and watching T.V. programmes like criminal minds - engaging, bloody and violent. Comedy doesn't help me, nor do cartoons or fantasy usually, I need gritty and uncompromising to get my head away from broody thoughts.
This has been quite a ramble. I'm not sure how helpful or even relevant it is. But I wanted to share my bad day. Reading over it, it doesn't even sound that bad. What you can't convey in writing is the constant struggle, the draining ache that takes your energy and makes everything so hard to do, that utter sinking feeling when you come home and realise you're alone with your thoughts again, or simply expending the energy required not to cry in front of your significant other.
*I know this is not true, but when like this my mind makes connections and everything comes back to pregnancy, birth, babies and motherhood. You'd be amazed at how many things we do in everyday life link to those themes.
I'm having a bad day. The problem with bad days is that there is always someone who suffers worse than you and has more going on and who is more deserving of support than you. Therefore, your bad day is not *really* a bad.
But bad days are relative.
My bad day is a bad day for me, and I decided that was allowed. I'm not going to post on facebook, or G+ or anywhere else because, firstly, it's not something I want the world to know, and secondly, I don't want to have to explain why I feel like this and justify why this need makes me feel this bad.
So what does a "Baby day" look like. I can't speak for all, but this is my day.
Usually it starts just like every other day, but I usually have a particular stress such as being overly tired or stressed (both of which were true this morning). Sometimes, there are no stresses, and it's just there. I have nothing on the calendar that should mean I have to be around babies, but every conversation today seems* to have included babies. I got up at 11 - having had a late night - and logged on to fb. The first status was a mother posing about her kids, the fourth was a father discussing his kids. Nothing else in my feed registered. I felt like I was being bombarded with updates on kids. I logged off.
This afternoon I went to a BBQ - no babies, all good. But then conversations ranged from motherhood, 'When you own a dog they become your children', baptism and motherhood. Of course they weren't all like that, but I don't remember the others. My brain won't let me. Or I won't let me. The problem being that there is a masochistic part of me that wants to hold on to and replay these conversations so I can feel *something* or some kind of connection with motherhood. I want to engage in these conversations, even though they hurt so much, because at least then I have a line or link to those who have what I most desperately want.
However, a side effect of these conversations, as well as the initial pain they cause, is the deeper, longer-lasting jealousy which develops into guilt over said jealousy. Why jealously? I'm having these conversations with people who are parents. And the question my mind supplies, every TIME, is "What did you do right to get to have a family?" "Why do you get to have a family and I don't?". I hope it should be obvious how that quickly develops into guilt over that line of thought.
I managed to survive the BBQ, I was even "charming" by all accounts. I don't feel like I was. I feel washed out and edgy. I feel like I was trying to hold myself together just long enough. I'm still trying to hold myself together. I'm a little better her, at the end of the day, looking at a screen, trying to distract myself and focus on other things.
So what are the other things you can focus on when you're having a bad day? These will differ for every person, but for me: Chatting on facebook, reading news articles on education, and watching T.V. programmes like criminal minds - engaging, bloody and violent. Comedy doesn't help me, nor do cartoons or fantasy usually, I need gritty and uncompromising to get my head away from broody thoughts.
This has been quite a ramble. I'm not sure how helpful or even relevant it is. But I wanted to share my bad day. Reading over it, it doesn't even sound that bad. What you can't convey in writing is the constant struggle, the draining ache that takes your energy and makes everything so hard to do, that utter sinking feeling when you come home and realise you're alone with your thoughts again, or simply expending the energy required not to cry in front of your significant other.
*****
*I know this is not true, but when like this my mind makes connections and everything comes back to pregnancy, birth, babies and motherhood. You'd be amazed at how many things we do in everyday life link to those themes.
Friday, 5 April 2013
Babyless Visit
At the start of March I got a phone call asking when I had been anticipating visiting next. Honestly, while I didn't have a time in mind, I hadn't anticipated another visit until we had a child. I made a deal (only semi-joking) with my Mum that when we had a child we would spend the first Christmas with them.
And then the phonecall. With a choice. Grandad isn't getting any better. Either scramble for the money and visit within a month or so. Or hold out, save up and have the money to hand ready for the funeral. Not much of a choice, even though only I'm able to come.
I've been keeping the visit pretty quiet, not many people outside of family know I'm going to be in the country. But the entire purpose of the visit is to spend time with my family. It'll probably be a couple more years before I'm back on a social trip again. But at least then I'll have the husband with me.
There's lots of mixed emotions churning around my head right now. As is usual to us here, lots of them baby related.
The reality really hit me yesterday that barring some impressive odds this is the last time I'll see my Grandad. Chances are I'll never be able to share a pregnancy and the growth of my family with the man who was my Father-figure throughout my childhood. I'll never see him holding my baby, his great-grandchild.
At least I'll get to spend some time with my niece.
And then the phonecall. With a choice. Grandad isn't getting any better. Either scramble for the money and visit within a month or so. Or hold out, save up and have the money to hand ready for the funeral. Not much of a choice, even though only I'm able to come.
I've been keeping the visit pretty quiet, not many people outside of family know I'm going to be in the country. But the entire purpose of the visit is to spend time with my family. It'll probably be a couple more years before I'm back on a social trip again. But at least then I'll have the husband with me.
There's lots of mixed emotions churning around my head right now. As is usual to us here, lots of them baby related.
The reality really hit me yesterday that barring some impressive odds this is the last time I'll see my Grandad. Chances are I'll never be able to share a pregnancy and the growth of my family with the man who was my Father-figure throughout my childhood. I'll never see him holding my baby, his great-grandchild.
At least I'll get to spend some time with my niece.
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