I've been away from here for a while. There's been a lot going on and it hasn't been things I could share, and it hasn't been directly relevant to the baby crazies. However, they never went away. This was really brought home to me over the holidays.
I've had a brilliant holiday. I've relaxed, enjoyed myself and had a great deal of fun. On New Years day, after a long night partying and drinking, I and several others, rocked up at a local restaurant to spend a pleasant afternoon re-hydrating and eating. We ate and drank (non-alcoholic beverages I can assure you!) and continued to enjoy each others company.
Half-way through the afternoon a friend with small children turned up with his youngest, a beautiful little girl. She held on to her Daddy whilst we talked to him and said hello to her too. They didn't stay long. But that's probably what started it.
I was fed, I was watered, and I was coming down after a good night. Alcohol is, after all , a depressant and that effect is usually felt as it leaves your system. I started to feel down. Nothing bad, I just put it down to being tired. That's not unusual. The father and daughter left and I continued to chat, but quieter.
Then another couple showed up... with their baby. A beautiful, engaged, 9 month old baby girl. I couldn't resist. I knew I had to go say hi to them, and she was there, so I asked for a cuddle. I bounced her on my knee, I made silly noises, I even put her coat back on - her mother complimented my baby dressing abilities - I held her. Then I couldn't.
It crashed over me. It was painful. Luckily I was sat next to a friend who was aware of my "issues". I looked at her and said "take her". She did and I ran to the loo. I just couldn't hold back the tears.
It's been so long, there have been so many other things to cry over that I thought this one had run it's course, that maybe I was over it. That I could live without. I'm not sure when I deluded myself to that extent but somewhere, I think, I had hoped - given everything else that's going on I know I'm further than ever from where I had hoped.
I don't think anyone else noticed. I'm quite good at crying without rubbing my eyes so they don't go red. (When did life become about knowing how to hide the evidence rather than living without pain? I think it's called "being a grown-up"). When I came back out they were leaving. I was able to say a swift goodbye, she was already strapped tight to her father's chest in a carrier, so I didn't need to look directly at her again. Instead I smiled, said I'd visit (knowing that I couldn't) and said good bye.
Through everything, there is this constant. I know that now. No matter what, no matter how good the day, the holiday, the friendships and the laughter, it's there.
