...and it's back.

It's actually been back for a while but I've been avoiding it. For me that means not talking about it and not even registering that it's back.

In the last month I've had more and more dreams about being pregnant; I've found myself day dreaming; I've also been dreading my periods again.

I'm still not really ready to talk about how it all makes me feel again. I just wanted people to know that it was getting hard again. I'm not sure it really stopped, I just hardened myself against it.

Feeling Insane

Earlier this month I discovered that grapefruit juice can interfere with the pill. It came as a bit of a surprise, I knew that it interacted with some various other medications but had never realised the pill was one of them. I drink a fair amount of grapefruit juice given half a chance and had just gotten through a litre bottle of it in short time prior to reading the article.

Skip to this week. I'm having the worst cramps prior to my period that I have ever had. I move and it feels all stabbity and not fun. I start convincing myself that it must mean something, it can't be random.. Perhaps, the grapefruit juice did it's thing at the same time as a condom failing, and maybe, just maybe I'm pregnant.

As I'm sure you understand, once that idea gets into my head I can't shake it. As the days creep past, from "well, my period might start today if it were going to" then "it would normally start today" and once I hit that I'm almost certain that it's not going to show. I get to "mildly late" and start spotting. Of course it's actually my period starting, but I have the idea so set in my head that that little voice is telling me that it can't be my period, it must be implantation bleeding - irregardless that if that was the case if would have been a week or so ago.

So here I am, on my period. Feeling like I must be bat-shit-crazy. I know, all the way through, that the chances are so minimally small that I'm not pregnant, and I'm not going to be for a long while. But my brain just hooks on that small chance, that feeling slightly different to the point where I can almost convince myself.. and then my period rolls around and it feels like I have to mourn a pregnancy that didn't even exist even though I know it didn't exist in the first place.

... I think I'm getting worse