Sibling Envy

So this is going to be a painfully personal post, discussing people I care about in a way I'm not accustomed to thinking of them and a way which doesn't make me feel very good about myself but I need it off my chest.

Found out to day that my sister is pregnant again. By accident again.

Ironically, she found out she was pregnant when taking the standard test before having a coil fitted to prevent another unplanned pregnancy. Assuming it comes to term, it will be her fifth.

And I love my sister. Painfully. But I feel so sad right now. My first thought was that it didn't seem a good thing. She lives in a council house with her SO and their two children. His twin daughters from a previous relationship show up from time to time. Her younger son from her previous relationship comes over when her ex isn't being an utter bastard (which means she sees him very rarely) and her eldest son ... well, we know he's ok but we don't know where he's living any more. She works part-time at as a barmaid when she can. Her SO claims he can't get a job because he failed at school but when the council paid for him to go to college to get GCSE's, he couldn't be bothered to go. Which had me tearing my hair out. He trats her better than her ex but he's still a wastrel and she deserves better but she loves him so it's even more complicated and I wish he'd try but maybe he does and it really is too hard for him and "can't be bothered" is easier to say.

And it's so frustrating to me. Their children have no discipline and, despite being smart (eldest nephew went to a school I did part of my PGCE in and all the teachers commented how smart he was and he really is and I'm not just saying that because I'm his aunt and love him to pieces), are likely to end up in the same boat as their dads, relying on the state to support them. It's so painful to me to see this poverty cycle, especially when I think about the wonderful, powerful woman my sister actually is.

And it's frustrating to me because I look at their situation and feel so, so jealous that I almost can't bear it. I feel like screaming "but I'm the one with a job with prospects and I'm the one who has saved money to prepare for this and I'm the one who's sat here with an empty womb". it feels karmically unfair. I've worked hard to be in a position to give my children a good start in life and only a week ago my Husbit turned to me and said that he wasn't prepared to have a child in a one bedroom flat and that we would be living there for at least five years. I made sure he saw me cry myself to sleep that night.

I feel trapped and jealous and helpless and can't help wondering if my sister is feeling similarly. she can't work whilst she's too pregnant or when her child is too small but without her pitiful income from her job, they really struggle to get by so that isn't fair either.

It all just hurts so much.

'Carpool Guy' movie Warning

My SO stuck this on in the background. I didn't have much say in the matter, I'd said I wasn't fussed. It certainly didn't ring any alarm bells from the name.

Within the first 5mins the main protagonist's partner had started talking about wanting a baby and the guy was listing all his reasons against the idea. This became a re-current theme through the film. If I had known, I'd have avoided it. I'm not exactly feeling strong at the moment.

Just thought I'd warn people as it is currently 'Watch Now' on LoveFilm.

Are there any other films people would warn against?

Future Children

I have been thinking a lot about my children recently and I'm so afraid I will never meet them.

It sort of follows on from Rosslyn's post about spirit babies. There are two children I very clearly see in my future, although the order in which they're born seems to be shifting and I'm really afraid, on some strange level, that that means I'm going to end up losing one of those children. They feel as powerfully mine as if they were already born.

I try not to think about them because I worry that I'll place to great a burden on them once they are born to be as I picture them now and that that could cause major problems for them but it is very difficult. They absorb a large part of my waking life.

I want to have them with me now, not at some unknown time in the future. I'm finding it difficult to accept that I still have to wait. It doesn't seem right.