A Letter

Dear Father Christmas,

I haven't bothered you really in several years. However this year needs to be an exception. I feel that I have been good this year and am therefore fully deserving of the single item on my list.

One of these...

Please don't tell me it's not within your power, I've seen Miracle on 34th St, I know you can do this.

Sincerely

G

An Interesting Article

I saw this article (I am a fan of this blog by the way if you haven't seen it before) and thought I would share it with you guys.

Offbeat Mama - When is the right time to have a child?

Taking Charge

After our talk at the start of the month I have stepped up and set some goals. On the basis that we have approximately 3 years that's plenty of time to get our lives in order.

First up is a household budget. Now, we don't live hand to mouth, but we seem to hemorrhage money more than we reasonably should. It doesn't help that we're essentially a one income household, most of my wages go to my loan, what little I have left gets split between bills and going to my retirement account. So I made us sit down and see where our money is going, and we made a plan.

I feel kind of like a bitch by taking the husband and telling him how we're spending his money, but it is >our< household and our life.

In the new year when our health insurance changes we'll be taking the extra money from that to a joint savings account to use for medical bills and house emergencies.

I've banned us from doing any more home renovations until a) the lounge is finished (we're missing door frames and skirting boards right now) and b) until the credit card is paid off. I didn't realise his credit card had quite so much on it, so that's getting cleared.

And to help with the budgeting we will be starting menu planning so we don't splurge at the supermarket. And it'll help us keep to the healthy eating plan which is the next step.

I have about 30lb to lose to get below being "obese," personally I think bmi measurements are all manner of bullshit, but it's what a lot of those in the medical profession use as a guide to determine whether I'll get the birth of my choice or bullied and browbeat into c-section.

It doesn't stop the hurt, it doesn't stop the pain and the tears. But it helps to be working on something productive that will put us in a better place to be once we do get to start our family.

I've been trying to spend time with our friend's babies. I end up mopey afterwards, but I do enjoy the time with them - especially since I never babysat when I was younger so I have very little actual real experience with childcare. The eldest is 11 months right now and it's been wonderful to see him grow.

There is the part of me that wants to spurn them, that is jealous and comes away from every encounter hurting. But it's not their fault.

Not ok with no baby

Soooo.... hae been dealing pretty well with baby crazy lately. Have been looking at buying our first flat together (gulp) and a few other bits and pieces which show our commitment to each other and that has given me a great release from the constant pressure of baby crazy - finding a flat together is a good step towards being in a position to start trying for children and is keeping me busy enough to take my mind of things. Even my last couple of periods haven't been too bad (in that sense anyway, PMS & menstrual cramps still afflict me which I guess just goes to show that the baby crazy is a fully separate part of me).

But here's something important. I am not ready to not be baby crazy. What frightens me more than not having children is the idea that I might not have children and be ok with that. If I don't have children, I want to be screaming to the universe at the injustice of it, I want to do all the things I know I shouldn't do cos, hey, if I'm not breeding, if I don't have to worry about my descendants, why shouldn't I be selfish? And these aren't thoughts I want to have but I'd rather have that than be ok with not having children.

Is that crazy?

FKL

Broody media bile

This will make your blood boil. Do not read if you are feeling fragile.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2056875/Liz-Jones-baby-craving-drove-steal-husbands-sperm-ultimate-deception.html

This is every thing we are NOT. This woman is deceptive, cruel and manipulative. She claims to be a "feminist" and I frankly can't imagine anyone less of a feminist than her!

This is also our fight. Media representation of broody women is almost entirely negative; either we are manipulating our SO's or we are teary, pathetic and desperate. Where are the representations of the women who struggle? The women who are communicating as honestly and openly as they can with the people they love and fighting every biological impulse?

The comments section is equally demoralising, full of people who are happy to criticise Ms. Jones, while in the same breath only giving examples of women like her. The amount of bile and bitterness from the men is also disheartening, they seem to genuinely believe that all women think like her.

I'm going to close this post before I start adding my own bile to the pot, but we need to be aware of this type of publicity. This is why we can't have these discussions with friends, these are the judgements they will make. In my darkest moments, these are the judgements our SO's make too, but hope they know us better than that.

Outpouring

So, the husband is in general a very perceptive man, and has apparently been picking up on the broodiness even though I've been keeping quiet. (Yes, I'm a bad person, I had still not gotten around to talking to him).

Since I'm home by the time he gets home from work and I don't see him in the mornings I've gotten in the habit of sitting on the bed and talking to him when he gets home from work and is getting changed.

I was having a particularly shitty day yesterday and when asking how I was he pushed and pushed and pushed until I broke and told him.

There was much tears and much hugging, and while not an ideal situation it was in hindsight good for him to see the depth of my feelings and it prompted a long conversation.

Basically I got thoroughly told off for not sharing with him because I didn't want him to feel bad.. Turns out he does feel bad, he makes himself feel like the bad guy - because he wants kids, he wants kids now (this bit was news to me), his clock is ticking too and is making himself feel bad for being the one to say no.

He's still not happy with the idea of being parents until my loan is paid off. He understands why I would like to still be in employment and not fully self employed when it happens, but the loan is the sticking point. He is comfortable that we could cope on just his wages if and only if I wasn't sending $600-$800 back to England every month, he can't cover that, and I wouldn't expect him too.

So I broke down even further (who knew it was possible at that point) and let him know that I really don't think I can deal with feeling this way for 3 more years. His only answer to that was to use that as a goad to work harder at the self employment and gain more earnings to pay my loan off that way.. sensible and at the same time really unhelpful - I am trying to do that anyway, funnily enough I would like my business to succeed and it still seems like an impossible task.. Right now, if I earn an extra $50 a month from the business I'm doing well (curse giving the business 2/3 of our profits).

So, we talked. Not quite as much as I maybe wanted to but we definitely cleared the air, even if it wasn't the answers I wanted. And at least he has an inkling of how I feel and is banning me from bottling it up too much and keeping it from him.

Apologies

Firstly, apologies. I haven't blogged for quite a while and hopefully you'll understand why by the end of this post; though it doesn't actually make me a very good person.


On the one hand my laptop is playing up and I rarely have more than 15mins on time before it turns itself off. It is then generally unable to sustain power for an hour after that. So when I do get on-line I focus on the stuff I *have* to do.


On the other hand my baby crazies have managed to actually get a little crazy. I've been getting angry, but more frighteningly for me, angry at specific people for having children. Even angry at them for having children around me. I feel so bitter and annoyed that I can't quite get my own head around it. 


In fact I tried to write this up a while ago but I found myself getting angry and annoyed at the posts on here! ANYTHING that talked about babies, children or motherhood; even the very things that had once comforted me, showed me I wasn't alone in my feelings; were torment. Are torment. I think I'm coming through it now, but I don't like the person this is turning me into. Not wanting to be around people who are good friends just because they have children, feeling cold, isolated and annoyed when ever they are around is not fair on either me, them or anyone else we're with. And it's certainly not like I can turn to them and say, "I'm sorry, I don't like you any more because I can't stand to watch you living the life I want and can't have yet." And what makes it even worse is the third reason I haven't written. 


So third and finally, guilt. October half term 2 years ago I had a contraceptive implant put into my arm. In 1 year I will have it removed, and, barring any unforeseen circumstances, me and my SO will start trying for a child. So it's not even like I have a lifetime of waiting, it's not even like I can say it's the uncertainty that's making me so cruel and mean spirited, because it's not. It's something worse. It's just me. I'm letting all those little worriesand concerns ( such as he'll die before we try, he'll leave me, we'll argue and he'll change his mind - rarely are "little worries" rational) overwhelm me to the point that I'm blaming other people for the fact that I haven't got there yet. I'm jealous and scared and angry and it's starting to show. 


So those are my reasons, and as I said, I'm not being such a great human being at the moment. I know that and I'm desperately trying to be the person I should and want to be. By making this post I am NOT looking for people to make excuses for me. We all know it's hard, we don't all feel bitter and twisted around good friends, we don't all look at other people's children and feel dead and empty inside. I have no cause or reason for any of this and if anything I'm looking for a kick up the ass and a telling off for being so callous.    

Redecorating

I have to say, renovating and redecorating a room is a very good way to keep your mind off... ahem, other things.

Two weeks of building bookshelves, two weeks of stripping ceilings, re-covering ceilings and painting everything in sight wears you down. I got up, I went to work, I came home and worked harder on the house. Sleep wasn't as issue, I was out before my head hit the pillow. And this was just the front room and the hallway, we have the rest of the house to go!

But now it's done, we're planning Halloween and my period hit. And it's like the baby crazy came and tapped me on the shoulder saying "hello, remember that feeling you've been distracted from for the past month... well, here's the entire month's worth all at once" fun time!

We're planning the rest of the house. On the one hand it's nice, we're building our home together and making this magnolia shell into a colourful aspect of ourselves.

On the other, that's a lot of time and money. The money for this stage alone (admittedly including tools that will be used for other rooms) would have covered the fees for an uncomplicated birth. And there's still the rest of the house to go, that's new appliances in the kitchen and new bathrooms too. We can afford this but not a child?

Then comes the debate about the spare room. At some point (it's a small side project), I'd like a craft table. Just a space to keep the sewing machine out, all my fabric and notions, my yarn and knitting stuff etc. My suggestion was against the window in the dining room looking out over the yard. It wouldn't be in the way of the dining table at all. Husband suggests the spare room. I jokingly ask what will happen when that needs to become a nursery and I get "well that's a long way off, no need to worry about it yet" *sigh* and then I want to cry.

Houses

So exciting things are happening in my life at the moment - the Husbit and I are looking at flats. It is very unlikely to lead anywhere - our budget is restricted and house prices are high round us - but looking is fun.

And distressing. I realise how unrealistic some of my thoughts were regarding buying a family home in the next few years. I realise that I am going to have to raise children in a flat because if we wait to afford a house then my ovaries will have shrivelled first. Husbit has always said we have to be living in a house. this now sounds more like "no" than ever and I am afraid and sad.

I'm not sure what it will take to convince Husbit to raise a child in a flat. I'm starting to fear getting pregnant because it would make it more difficult to get a mortgage and restrict our viewings but part of me sees that as a stupid fear because to be a mother is more important to me - I'd just always assumed I'd own a house first.

Bah. Please forgive the incoherency of this. I'm not quite sure what I want to say and am really just being self-pitying.

FKL

Illusions

I realised recently that I have built and cultivated a lovely set of illusions to help me carry on every day, aided along by things like hopefully knitting the baby blanket.

I have to believe that hubs may change his mind and decide to start a family sooner.

I have to believe that having conversations about how we'll raise our kids is him taking a step towards this decision.

I have to believe that him interacting and playing with our friends' offspring is him moving closer to being ready.

I have to keep the hope that if that isn't the case maybe the stars will align and the pill and the condom will both fail magically at the perfect time of the month to conceive.

I have to maintain these illusions because the thought of feeling like this for over two more years (after citizenship) or even over 3 years (when my loan is cleared) until he's ready paralyses me.

I can't comprehend feeling like this for that long, I can't do it it's impossible!

I'll do it, if I have to, but I can't guarantee that my sanity will be in tact by the end of it.

Cramps

It's that dark time of the month again. My current favourite euphemism is "craving chocolate".

It's odd, but I'm currently less upset by it than normal. It may be because I'm still right at the start, the bleed has barely begun and I'm mostly just very crampy - although I have been a lot less teary the last day or so than usual. Not arguing - the accompanying headaches have been worse so it's all balanced still. Maybe the physical side of this period is being more intense than normal and the emotional side less intense.

Anyway, one of the ways I'm choosing to focus my energy is on the cramps themselves: I'm using them as practice for contractions. I'm advised my contractions are likely to focus on my front as that is where my cramps are worst, so I focus on them and deal with the pain myself without painkillers so that when I am giving birth it isn't so bad - I'm maybe a little more prepared. It's been my consolation for my very painful periods that it's preparation for giving birth and whilst the reality may be nothing alike (how would I know, hey?), it makes me feel better suffering through them now.

FKL.

A Ramble of Thoughts

Seems to me at work at the moment, every day I'm either hearing about someone being born or someone dying.

Today, twins were born to the cousin of a colleague. I don't know if I would want to raise twins exactly, but a little voice inside me started whining "how come she gets two when I can't even have one?" It's such a pathetic thought that I did my best to squash it down with the contempt it deserved but the resentment towards my childless-life remains. I know that having a child would bring on every sort of new challenge possible, but the changes are the sorts of changes I live for. The other day, I played with Cleverbot, who asked "What is your purpose?"

I wonder how many people struggle when faced with that question. To me, the answer is simple; my purpose, my will, my dharma is to be a mother. That is who I am born to be. Maybe in another life, my purpose will be different, but in this time and place, this is who I am and it frustrates me not to have the children to show to the world "THIS IS WHO I AM". A childless mother. That's a pretty sorry state of being, like a wingless albatross or a jawless alligater. It's limiting, confining, ultimately frustrating and it feels escapeless, at least at the moment.

It takes two to make a relationship work and this is, presently, part of my sacrifice. The relationship is worth it, but only if this sacrifice is temporary and I hate even thinking like that because it feels like I'm betraying the Husbit. Eventually, the balance will shift but I can't help feeling that his sacrifice - letting me have children - will ultimately turn out nearly as rewarding for him as for me and that makes me jealous. Which is stupid because he isn't me and our ultimate needs and desires out of this life are different.

But seeing fathers talk about their children gives me bitter-sweet hope.

FKL.

Oops

I broke down in front of my husband today. I really didn't mean to and it came from no where. I had just learnt that a close friend is having another baby but I thought I was fine with it. I said to him, jokingly, "But I want one!" and he said, "yeah...And." And something in my just snapped. I said, "It's more complicated than that" and he said "how?  You're just about to start the job you've always wanted and you said that had to come first" I walked into the kitchen and started to cry. 


He was brilliant. He came and gave me a hug and tried to understand.


It's very difficult to explain when I don't even understand, but I think he's getting how much it bothers me now. We both know we need to wait just a little longer. 


Just thought I'd make a note of today. It threw me, I'm usually better controlled. I still feel oddly weak and weepy. Hopefully work will distract me from tomorrow! 

Guilt

There are days when I feel guilty for being so broody. One of the biggest reasons for this is that the world is already so overcrowded that it seems vastly unfair to increase the strain upon. But then, I would rather do my bit to help reduce the risk of an "idiocracy" forming. Another reason is that I worry about the impact it (my incessant broodiness) has on my relationship with Husbit, but that seems to be as strong as ever so I can let that rest for now.

Today, my guilt stems from thinking about the couples out there actively trying to get pregnant without success - the people who feel as I do and are doing something about it but without success. If I feel like a failure every month for failing to be pregnant when Husbit is doing his best to make sure I'm not, imagine how much worse it must be for the other women.

According to this site, 1 in 7 confirmed pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. If the sight of menstrual blood upsets me so much, how do broody women cope when that is their child flowing from them?

I feel as though I am somehow cheap for feeling so powerfully when there are women out there who want a baby, a pregnancy, so desperately but, for whatever reason, struggle to achieve it. I do not know how easy it will be for me to carry a baby to term. One of my greatest fears is that I will either not be successful concieving or else will not be able to carry the baby to term but at the moment I have no reason to have this fear; there is no suggestion that I am any less than standardly fertile and similarly Husbit's family history doesn't give me any reason to worry there. So realistically I should just put the thoughts from my mind.

I still feel guilty for being so painfully broody when, in all likelihood, I will be able to conceive/carry a child with relative ease and through choice (a difficult and horrendous choice, fraught with sorrow, anger and "what-if's") am not doing so yet women out there are trying to become a mother and not succeeding. I feel like I am somehow reducing the extent of their suffering by, on some level, claiming the same. Like them, I am a mother without children. Like them, I am hurt to my very core by this. Unlike them, I have a choice in this regard.

Broken

Her head rests on a black tile.
The tears streak her face.
Across the room is the toilet.
It's porcelain shine shows the distorted reflection of a woman
Alone
On the floor
Her head rests on the black tile.

Her head rests on a cold, blank wall.
The curtain hides her.
Here she hides until the world goes away
And takes the children with it.
She leaves the clothes she was going to try.
Composed, just
Her head rests on the cold, blank wall.

Her eyes look down an aisle.
Pink and blue of various hue
Assault her
formulae milk, a child's bib, nappies and wet wipes and
so much more.
Her eyes look down the aisle.

Her head rests on a white tile.
The tears streak her face.
Across the room is the toilet.
It's porcelain shine shows the distorted reflection of a woman
Alone
On the floor
Her head rests on the white tile

Time To Talk

If anyone ever comes to me to ask my opinion on a topic or argument etc that involves another person I will always be the first to ask if they've talked to that person first. So it goes counter to everything I hold true in life to not be talking to the hubs about this.

The trouble is, we've talked about it (admittedly I can't recall when so a significant amount of time ago), and in his opinion the case is closed.

But during my period I start crying (though he's yet to see the tears), I get frustrated, and sadly he ends up in the firing line with me snapping at him for no good reason. As the months roll past this seems to be getting worse with each period. I can now guarantee at least once during that week I will end up curled up in a ball in tears over the whole situation. And the more I snap at him the more it seems unfair to not sit down and explain what's going on.

How on earth do I bring up a topic that he thinks is closed and sealed for at least another couple of years?

I've sat and thought about what I want to say even..

After explaining about my periods and feeling frustrated, putting across why it's not such a bad thing... can I do that without making him feel like the bad guy, feel like I'm pressuring him or guilt tripping him?

- Firstly money - money is always going to be an issue and I think that if we sit counting the pennies they're never going to add up. While I don't want to lumber him with supporting all of us, including my loan payments, I think if we were careful (I have no qualms with second hand, or third/fourth/fifth hand!) we could make it work.

- Job. I work a crappy job at a coffee shop that may just be the epitome of evil corporate America.. But to their credit the benefits for staff are pretty good. If I got pregnant while I was with them I could get maternity leave (or the farce that is called maternity leave in this retarded country), and they'll even give me short term disability benefits so that I can get more than the regulated 6 weeks, and even get a (small) percentage of my pay during that time.

If we wait until my business takes off we're faced with one of two possible problems. Either the shop is open and running, at which point I can't take time off until we have a member of staff we trust there in my absence, and that is unlikely to happen for a long long time. Or, I'm still at the working from home stage (but let's assume it's doing well enough that I've left my crappy job and this is my sole income).. If this is the case then if I take any time off then I get no money whatsoever, and I have to turn business away, ruining my reputation and losing customers.. Quite honestly the idea of trying to operate a business while trying to get to grips with motherhood seems like a crazy idea and I'll take a farce of maternity leave over none at all!

I'd rather have the child before establishing the business.. my career will wait, my body will not.

- Which leads us to age.. I keep coming back to this. Again, even at 26 I'm passed my prime in childbearing terms. And if we wait until my loan is gone at 30, hubs will be retiring before our eldest reaches university (assuming they don't bump up the retirement age! ;-) ) if and only if we even manage to get pregnant straight away at that age.

So ladies, I bow to your infinite wisdom.. How do I bring up this closed topic, and how do I do it without making him feel like the bad guy, the unreasonable one?

Something new

...and not in a good way. I'm usually fairly laid back and relaxed, but recently I've been getting... well, angry. It doesn't seem to be at anything in particular, just generally. It's starting to become a default response to most things that in the past might have irked, annoyed, or even just been laughed off. This seems to become most apparent when I'm reading posts on social network sites. I'll get unreasonably annoyed by something someone has posted, often yelling at my computer screen. More often than not these are posts by parents either complaining about their children, or how annoying it is having to wash up after their children, or sometimes a parent simply telling of something slightly amusing or cute their child did that day. Then I get angry. I can't tell you at what exactly. I try very hard not to be angry at the parent, but I know I am. I'm then in a foul mood and likely to get angry at my SO which doesn't help as he has no idea why and I can't explain it.

There are so many things that can make me angry now. This weekend I was at a LARP (Live-action Role-play) event (google it, it's good fun but difficult to explain succinctly). I was monstering the event meaning that I took on various roles as deigned by the refs and did not play the same character for the whole event. One of the characters I was asked to play was a young (about 5 years old) girl. This is not exactly new as I often play the little girl, I'm quite good at it. Through the course of the night and into the next day I played this child who had watched her mother being eaten by monsters, she was scared and cried quite a bit, she was also given a dagger (yeah, they were not the type of people one would call if they needed a nanny, but they did OK). After playing these girls we were eventually told by the refs that we were to give it 30 seconds and change into demons. We duly did and were of course killed by the players. After that I stood in the monster camp and felt so angry I was nearly crying. I didn't want my little girl to die, I had wanted her to live. She had been imagining a wonderful life with her new family. I had to take a few minuets, luckily I didn't seem to be needed and was able to take that time. I even shed a few tears. I honestly don't know why. Thinking back to it now even makes me choke up a little! A few moments later I was called up to play an imp and returned to the battle field, I hit things and was felled swiftly as is the way of the game. I'm sure that had anyone had the chance to look into my face and seen the tears running down it they would not have taken a second look. I have watery eyes anyway, and there was a bit of a wind. No one noticed and, after a while, I didn't notice. After the anger I was able to carry on, but the sadness didn't leave for a long time. I still feel oddly disconnected.

What that particular event has to do with the baby crazy I don't know, but something in me says it does. So if anyone has any ideas I'll gladly hear them. 


~

Babies Everywhere

Aren't there just days when it feels like every other person you see is pregnant, or has a newborn/very young child?

Today this was magnified, I had to voluntarily go into a baby store to get some bibs for my niece, I'm planning on embroidering them as a present. Walking into, and around that store surrounded by mothers, babies and everything cute and baby related has to be one of the hardest things I've done in a while. I got back to the car and had to take some time to get myself sorted.

Life Sucks!

Only Joking!

When I'm feeling particularly awful about not being a child, I often joke about sabotaging a condom in order to get me pregnant. What upsets/surprises/scares me is how many of my friends don't seem to realise this is a joke. I joke with my husbit about this. He knows I'm jesting. I suppose at the end of the day that is what matters but it still makes me feel let down by friends and family when they actually think I would go behind his back like this. I haven't told Husbit, but I have made 3 promises to myself regarding ways I will not fall pregnant:
1. I will not lie to him.
2. I will not cheat on him.
3. I will not deliberately trick him.

If I'm entirely honest, there have been times when I've found this difficult, especially point 3 (though I'm pleased to say not point 2), but I do not believe that it would be a fair relationship if I did any of these and so I won't.

What it boils down to is that, whilst I may joke about it, I would never gennuinely act dishonestly in becoming pregnant. I value him and our relationship too much for that.

FKL

Ready or not...

I realised something recently that scared me: we really are, financially and space-wise, in a postition to start having children. We'd need to move if we wanted more than one, and then finances would be a problem as this flat is a steal, location- and size-wise, but not only is it doable, my work would be supportive of me having time off for maternity - i've only been there a couple of months but am very much at the younger end of the scale so most of the other people have children or evening grand-children already so they have a certain degree of sympathy (although I haven't risked releasing the full baby-crazy on them!). I like my job and the people there, so that's surprisingly important to me.

The only thing holding us back is my partner. As I've commented before, he does have a couple of good reasons for delaying, which I may elaborate on further down the line but not just yet. What annoys me is how far behind rubbish excuses he hides - he tries telling me we don't have space when we clearly do, or that we can't afford it when we clearly can, or that we won't be able to go out for the evening when we so rarely do anyway that I can't see it making any difference. Maybe the difference is that we can go out whenever we want that's important, but I have less of a feeling of that because I'm not insured on our car and it being the type of car it is, we can't afford to run two cars - which means if I want to travel any distance then I need a lift. So for me, it won't make a huge impact on my current situation.

I love him. I need him to hurry up and be ready too because I'm afraid I may not be able to hold on much longer.

FKL

How To Be Happy?

It seems that the pregnancies of friends and family comes in waves. I'm not sure if the previous monster wave has finished and a new one is starting or if it just ebbed a little and is coming back with full force. Either way in the space of a week I've heard two pregnancy announcements and know of at least a couple more people who are actively trying.

I want to be happy for them, I really do. It is joyous news and I feel like a monster for for not being overjoyed.

But deep down inside of me is that little voice that's asking why them? Why can they get pregnant when I'm not allowed to.

And in their happy innocence they seem to make the worst comments. Almost worse to me than the "why would you want to get pregnant" or the "you have plenty of time." No, these are the "well why don't you" or "we're managing on one income and this is our second child" the understanding that I really want to get pregnant but the confusion as to why I don't just go ahead and do it hurts more than the people who don't understand.

Today I was even asked why I didn't just go off the pill and not tell my husband (this is however the colleague who wasn't trying, just "letting god decide"). Now aside from the fact that we use condoms on top of using the pill, how can he think it's acceptable to deceive my husband, to trick him into becoming a father?

No, this is a decision that needs to be made together, and as much as it hurts, as much as I want to cry every time I hear of someone else, it seems I just have to grit my teeth, hold back the tears for a time when I'm alone, and wish them well.

Talking (becomes a rant)

One of the hardest things about the baby crazy is there are so few people to really talk to. I expect this is the same for any emotional issues - no one can really understand unless they have been or are going through it, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone! 

However there are some people that you *should* be able to discuss anything with. I desperately want to discuss what I'm going through with my best friend. The problem is he is also my husband. We have discussed how I feel, he knows it's a strong emotion, and he knows what I want. But that's just it - it's been discussed. As far as he's concerned we've come to our decision on the matter and it can be put to bed... but I've discovered it doesn't work like that.

The problem is I discovered that after I made a promise. I was talking about kids...quite a bit shall we say. I wanted to discuss our future and make plans. He said he needed space, and time and he explained why. He was very clear and I understand completely why he asked for it. So I made a promise. I promised not to bring up "that" discussion until he was ready. I didn't realise then how hard that would be. 

Many months passed. Children came up - we discussed things we saw on T.V., news articles about how parents of the Y generation are too soft, we discussed how we saw other people parenting, what we would do the same or what we would do differently or not at all. We skirted and we talked, but never about us and when we might have children. Never that. 

Then one day, not very long ago he said something to me. He said, out of the blue, I've been thinking. I think when you get your implant out I might be ready. That was it. No more was said. I couldn't believe it. An actual time frame. And for about 24 hours I was on top of the world. Then I started to realise some things. First of all, I'd gotten my dates wrong. It feels like I've had this implant for forever, and I thought it was coming out this October. It's not. I've actually had it for 20 months (now, when we had this exchange it was more like 18mnths). I've got another 16 months left. But I thought that would be fine. It gives me a chance to get the year in work I need and allows him to settle into his new job. Perfect. 

2 days later I was in the bathroom trying not to be too loud or obvious about my sobs. The months stretch out ahead of me in a way they never did when I didn't know. I've started to *hate* the implant... hardly fair on the poor thing, it's doing its job. 

So in some ways knowing that there is a "when" has made the months until then even harder. I go to bed at night  and think, "another day down". I'm so obsessed with getting to that point I know I'm missing out on now. Because it's all I've got on my mind I can't find other things to talk about, so the evenings have become quite nights of watching the T.V. or looking at a computer screen. I need to do other things, so I have other things to talk about, so that I can talk to the man I love with out breaking my promise... but it's so much harder now. Sometimes I wish he'd just told me on the day I'd had it taken out. 

Some days I do think of other things - I think about how boring I must have become to him. I think about the fact I might be loosing him because I can't make this soul wrenching ache go away... but something always happens to let me know he's still there, we're still good.  

Maybe the worst thing about it all is that even though we have a "when" anything could change between then and now. There is still no certainty so I'm building myself up with hope, crashing again because the hope feels so far away and it could all be for nothing! Some days I just don't know how many more times I can go round the cycle.

Why Don't You Just Get A Dog?

Back in November I had an especially bad period of time thanks to broodiness, I went through several days very withdrawn and close to tears thanks to the havoc hormones were playing on me.. It started after a friend's very successful home water birth and was intensified by meeting their new son when he was less than 20 hours old... all occurring at the start of a period didn't help either. It was funnily enough, one of the times that I just had to let hubs know what was going on and how I was feeling, it would not have been fair to him to not.

So I don't think it was at all coincidental that a week or so later is when he announced that he felt we were ready for a puppy.

Now, I wasn't complaining, I wanted a dog just as much as he did.. I just think he was hoping it would help me more than it has.

There seems to be an underlying attitude over here that dogs are training for children... it seemed ridiculous to me. Having since compared notes with my sister there may be something in it, but not completely. I do not think being a successful puppy owner will make you a good parent, there are just not enough similarities there.

I didn't mind much what age dog we got, it's going to involve work and training either way, but hubs really wanted a puppy, and who was I to say no?

We put it off for a while due to travel and eventually got the puppy in March at the age of 10 weeks old. His first shock was due to not realising just how much work a puppy of that age entails. It actually turned out to be a good thing that the company I worked for had gone bankrupt and I was out of a job as it meant I got to be at home all the time during the early days. We spent at least a month exhausted as we were getting up at all hours to make sure she went to the toilet outside.

I'll be honest, our pup has some issues. As far as I can figure out from the records we have she was taken from her mother too young and dumped in a shelter so I think at least some of them stem from this.. The rest are just because she's too damn smart and therefore stubborn!

Initially he got increasingly frustrated with her because she wasn't understanding him, she was doing things he didn't want her to. So he's had to learn a lot of patience. This is a good thing, and I'm glad he's been able to work through this with a dog and not a child. It annoyed him that she didn't just know that she shouldn't try to get to the kitchen work surfaces (taking an example here), she'd done it once and we'd told her off, why wasn't she getting it. He just didn't realise that telling once doesn't work and she needs it repeated and repeated with no slip ups and no letting it go "just this once."

He's gotten a lot better now, and so has she. She's still smart and stubborn, as strong-willed as her namesake (Granny Weatherwax from the Discworld series of novels), but as she gets older (nearing 8 months now) she learns more, she calms down. She still gets manic when we have visitors, but she's still young.

So, I've told you about getting the pup, and how it helped hubs and in fact probably did prepare him a little more for children, but what about me?

Honestly, it's done nothing to help my broodiness. For the first couple of months while she was young and more of a handful it distracted me, but at no point did she fill that hole in my heart. Yes, I love her, she is in her way part of the family, but she can not and will not ever be a child of mine and therefore the hormones bubble away the same as if we didn't have her at all.

In fact, when I'm at my lowest (especially if she's misbehaving), she's just one more drain on our resources, one more reason why we can't afford children right now. And I feel bad for feeling like that, don't get me wrong, I don't want to return her to the shelter, but why is a dog an okay drain but not a child?

Baby Crazy - Explained pt 3

I'm a late joiner to the party, but I'm here now and like the two other wonderful women on this site I am baby crazy.

I was fascinated by babies when I was a child and always wanted one but the true broodiness didn't really hit until I became settled down in a relationship, that's when that desire intensified and became the all consuming ache and longing that I have to live with now.

When I moved over here (to the ridiculously hot USA from the UK) the hubs and I sat down and had a vague version of the baby talk that established that we both wanted them and that was that.

I think part of the trouble now is that I know that hubs wants children (yes plural) but he's being all sensible and reasonable and wanting to wait until we are more financially affluent.

This is going to take a while, I had to take out a huge loan to move here and paying it off takes a large proportion of my wages every month. But waiting another 4 years for that loan to be paid off seems like an impossible task right now. Our current compromise is to revisit after I have my citizenship (I can apply next year, the process could take up to another year).

While I obviously think having a child while we blatantly can't afford it is not the greatest of ideas, in fact it's a pretty stupid one. I feel that waiting until we are "financially affluent" is just as silly. Unless we win the lottery (which would be impressive since we don't take part) it is never going to happen, there is always going to be something that provides a drain on our resources and in my opinion there's never going to be a best or perfect time and at some point you have to realise that and just go ahead and do it anyway.. Explaining this opinion to hubs ended up with confusion as he completely misunderstood what I was trying to say.

Luckily I can be fairly open with hubs about how I'm feeling, though for the most part I actually keep it bottled up. He's understanding but that can only go so far, and if he realised just quite how often I am consumed by this he might be a little more freaked out.

It seems like it's been much harder to cope recently as everyone around me gets pregnant and has babies, including my sister. It's been so hard to cope with the fact that not only does my sister (who showed no interest in babies until a year or two ago) now have the cutest little girl, but they're so far away so I've only been with her once. Now, this is my fault since I chose to move 5000 miles away from them. But the knowledge that I can't even be a proper Aunt, I'll just be a name on a card and a face on the computer makes me crumple with pain.

Like the others I get constantly told that I'm young and have plenty of time. This isn't exactly true - I've had trouble finding concrete (peer reviewed) numbers but it is known that women are at their peak fertility at 24, after that it all goes downhill. Add in to that my hubs is significantly older than me. And while theoretically men can keep producing until they keel over the reality of that isn't quite the same. Assuming no fertility troubles sure you can have kids until you're 90, but do you really want to. Even if we wait until my loan is paid off then I'll be 30 when we start trying, hubs will be 46.. He'll be 50 chasing kids round the park, he'll be in his 60s when they graduate high school. And that is if we get pregnant right away.

So, how do I deal...

My main method of coping is information gathering. This might sound silly... I distract my broody feelings by researching having a baby. This makes more sense when you take into consideration I'm in a foreign country. When I finally get pregnant I don't want to have to be worrying with how the system works over here, what does my insurance cover, what doesn't it cover, what can I expect.

Plus a little statistic gathering - the c-section rate in America has risen to over 30%, the World Health Organisation deems 10-15% as the acceptable level. Part of the trouble is the fact that medicine here is a business and Doctors have goals and people are gullible, the uniformed are being led to believe that this is the only option they have and oh! look! the Doctor just made more money than they would have otherwise. So as well as checking out the local hospitals I've looked into alternative options to see what is available (as much as I can without actually being pregnant and doing the tours etc).

Mentally I have redecorated our spare bedroom and figured out how we could keep the bed in there for visitors and use it as a nursery.

I've recently started knitting a baby blanket.. This is partly because I knit slow so by the time I finish it we might actually be trying, if I wait til I'm pregnant to knit it then the kid'll be grown by the time it's done! It's also a good redirection for me, I can sink myself into it and forget everything except counting my stitches and making sure I get it right.

We got a dog.. this isn't actually a good method of dealing and I fully intend to do a full post at some point to explain how it helped and how it didn't.

And finally I'm focusing on my health. I'm overweight which as well as affecting fertility and the risks of complications will also affect the birth I can have. Too overweight and I'll lose my choices and be forced into a birth full of interventions and everything I don't want. Now if only I could get hubs to do the same as his weight will affect fertility too!

Pro Life/Pro Choice and the gender divide

It may surprise people to learn that, despite my huge broodiness, I support legal abortions. There are many reasons for this - sometimes, medically, it is the better option. Sometimes, things happen at the wrong time. I cannot condone the use of abortion rather than contraception, but it is better to have it as a legal option rather than force already vulnerable people to find their own way - I've heard of women drinking bottles of vodka and throwing themselves down the stairs rather than face a pregnancy as a result of rape. That isn't how it should be. I'm also pro-abortion because the world is already over-populated and there are already so many children in bad family situations and if I want babies then other people have to not have them.

So I think it is important for women to have the right to control their bodies. I dislike the pro-life/pro-choice labels. To me, the implication is that 'pro-choice' equates to 'anti-life' and I am definitely not that, but this is another rant.

What I wanted to discuss is the gender problem. If the mother is keen to have the baby but the father is reluctant, she should be allowed to keep the baby - no one should be able to force her to do otherwise. But what if the roles are reversed? What if the father is the one yearning to be a parent and the mother is unready/unwilling to carry a baby, can the father force the mother to go through with it anyway? Should he be able to? This is a much more difficult area - it is the mother's body, it is her life that is being affected for the next few months but what about the emotional needs of the father?

I don't have any answers, just a lot of wondering.

Male Broodiness

I've generally assumed, though never had it verified, that there are men out there as desparate to be a parent as I am, I've just never spoken to someone who admitted it, which is why I was fascinated to come across this article

In particular, I love the description: "The only thing I can compare it to is lower back pain: a constant, subcutaneous ache that can be momentarily paralysing".

I was concerned to be reminded of the male timeframe - Husbit is older than I am and used to smoke so as well as my fears over my own fertility (based purely on fear), I worry that by the time he's ready, his sperm will have given up. I know one of the reasons he gives not to have babies is that he doesn't think he could cope if we had a disabled child and, as cruel as it sounds, I applaud his honesty there. The problem is, of coures, the longer we wait the greater the 'risk' in a sense.

I found it sad to be reminded that men feel they can't play with other people's children without being accused of being a paedophile. The song Thou Shalt Always Kill by Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip is a song I love anyway, but the line "Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a peadophile, some people are just nice" has especial resonance here. I love to see my Husbit playing with my friend's children, but then it happens so rarely.

He feels that he can't talk about his broodiness without being perceived as less than manly. This is, surely, the same sort of attitude that the feminist movement is about reducing. Also, a man who wants to pass on his genes sounds like an evolutionarily sensible partner (thus very manly) to me!

The Other Side of the Coin

I said I'd do a proper post on my issues with other people's children. I suppose I should start by making it clear that they are MY issues. I rarely find children annoying (though I can often be irritated by parenting styles). I used to love being around kids, any age, and any demeanour. In the past couple of years that has been changing. I didn't notice it at first, but slowly I realised I'd stopped playing with friends kids, I was avoiding meetings with friends who had kids... I couldn't quite work out why. The next time I went to see some friends with kids I sat there and tried to analyse my feelings. I felt empty. I didn't even have an "awwwww isn't s/he cute".I felt nothing... it terrified me.


So how did it happen? In my more lucid moments I think it is a self-defence mechanism. I'm slowly but surely closing myself off from the thing that I want most of all for myself. In my less lucid moments it means something else entirely. 


It means I'm not ready any more. It means I've lost that ability to be a good mother and career. Or it means I've missed the gap. In my darkest moments it means I've missed that fertile time. I'm 24. That's highly unlikely. It doesn't make any difference to how I feel.          


When you're young and you tell people you feel like this they tell you to babysit - That'll teach you. If you google "curing broodiness" the link at the top of the list is Yahoo Answers. I can't say I find her grammar or use of English brilliant, but I do understand what she is going through, and to me the answer "Chosen by Voters" is awful. I've partially coped the answer below - 


"you're 21? you've got your whole life ahead of you, why on earth would you want to give it all up for a screaming brat at this age?

Look after someone else's kids for a couple of days - when my boyfriend's niece and nephew toddlers stayed I didnt even have time for a bath in 2 days - it put me off children for LIFE"

Society feels this is a *good* answer to the question "Is there a cure for broodiness?". I can tell you right now it is not. For starters broodiness is not something you choose to feel. The fact that the questioner is only 21 means NOTHING. I've had feelings of actual broodiness (not just enjoying kids and liking baby dolls) since I was 13 years old. The fact is this woman, and many like her (like us) know full well we have our whole lives ahead of us. The question asked was for a cure to stop her feeling like this. She knows she can't have a baby right now, she's being sensible. MAKING OUT WE ARE STUPID FOR WANTING THIS IS NOT HELPING. "Why on earth would we want to give it all up"? Simple. It is all we think about, it hits us, usually at least once a day, that we do not have children. The only thing we would be "giving up" is that. I know that I'm not a party girl, I'm not someone who wants to be at every social event and every party. What I want is to be at home with my family. Secondly looking after other people's children is no substitute for having your own. I babysat for many years, I worked in a nursery, a primary school and I am a Secondary school teacher. None of these experiences has diminished or quashed my broodiness. It is not a simple case of "wanting children", the broodiness I feel is for the WHOLE package. I want to experience everything, I imagine the late nights and the screaming. I consider what I would do, I consider how I would react to situations. For example if I knew I needed a bath and I had two small children to care for I would make sure they had a bedtime routine that gave me time once they were in bed for a wash. Or if they were young enough and I had a big enough bath I would share a bath with them. Or, more likely, I'd nip in the shower for 5 mins just before I went to bed and sleep with wet hair (not exactly unusual for me anyway!). Essentially the only thing that answer has done is show me that the writer has never experienced broodiness. 

However none of this gets us any closer to the issue of curing broodiness. I don't believe it can be "cured" per se. None of us on this blog have had children, but on the famous Netmums website there is a thread populated by women who have 1, 2 or more children searching for an answer to broodiness- Netmum's thread. But even here the offers of help are limited to reminding yourself that now is not the time (a reminder we give ourselves daily) and expressions of relief that they are not the only ones. 

So what do we do to live with broodiness? What techniques or strategies have we developed to get through the day? 

Here are a few of mine - 

1. Write. Long before I started this blog I kept a diary, and when I stopped writing that regularly I started keeping Word documents on the days I needed to vent. Now I put some of those vents here. Sometimes they go into a folder on my laptop - sometimes they need to be private. But the important thing for me is that I write. I get all those emotions out in black and white and I don't stop until everything is on the page(s). Sometimes I can't type quick enough, then I write in a notebook. I have tens of notebooks with random pages in the middle full of rants and raves and scribbles. But at least it's out; if only for a moment.

2. Walking. Since getting my dog I've had to do a lot more walking. I don't always use this time as a distraction, sometimes I use it as constructive baby crazy time. I give myself the length of the walk to day dream, to focus on it, to really engross myself in all things maternal. Then when I walk back through the door I put all those issues down with the lead on the table. Then they have to stay there until I pick up that lead again. This works better than I expected it to. It also gives me an incentive to walk the dog! 

3. Refocus. This one is easier said than done because it requires something else to be strong enough to break through. When I start to day dream I have to STOP and refocus on something else. If I feel like I'm going to have a bad day I start by making a list. I make it as detailed as possible i.e. rather than "Plan Year 7 Lessons" I will have "1. Plan Starter activity for first Year 7 lesson. 2. Plan main activity for first Year 7 lesson. 3. Plan plenary for first Year 7 lesson" and so on for the entire half term. Broken down like that it means I can tick off lots of things (often all at once as you usually plan a lesson in one go) and I have small, manageable things that I can re-focus on. It doesn't always work. I'm rather good at procrastination.

So those are just a few of mine. I will try and add to my strategies as I think of them and please do add your own in the comments! 

Questions

A few questions for anyone who stumbles across this and my fellow poster:


1. What are the best ways to discuss baby crazy with 


a) Friends?
b) Other half?
c) Other family members?


Or is it best not to discuss it at all?


2. Are you or have you ever met any men that understand or suffer from the baby crazy?

Why isn't there a male pill?

In our relationship, i am ready for a baby. I think in terms of where we're living and our income and where i am, physically and emotionally, we could have a baby. Ok, so i probably couldn't give up my job to be a full time mum and i'm not quite sure how i feel about that but it would be a good time for us to have a child other than that - and i think we could work around that.

In our relationship, my partner is not ready for a baby. As i have mentioned before, he has very good reasons and i do my best to respect them, although i find it hard.

What frustrates me, though, is that despite the fact i want a baby and he doesn't, the greater burden of contraception still falls to me. I had the implanon implant removed after three years last February, because the hormones were making me feel bad and i'd had at least one miscarriage and maybe a couple of 'fake' miscarriages caused by the hormones - either way, not an experience i ever want to go through again. I made the decision to have the implant removed because i was tired of the hormones, so i couldn't very well go onto the pill or the injection (which i've had in the past and not reacted well to). I was therefore offered a coil but (head full of baby crazy) i declined because i couldn't deal with a self-inflicted barren status any longer. I felt like i was stripping away part of my womanhood and killing part of who i am.

I asked at the time whether we couldn't just put my boyfriend on the pill and the lady laughed and said "Would you trust him to remember to take it?" he and i laughed back, but inside I seethed at that throwaway line of sexism. Yes, i would trust my partner to remember to take the pill because he doesn't want babies yet and i do. The lady went on to explain that there was one in development but it was too expensive to be put into general production yet. I can sort of accept that, but feel incredibly frustrated that work hadn't begun on it at the same time as the female pill so that we weren't in this position now.

What really annoyed me was last night, when i sighed about having to use a condom and he turned to me and said "it was your choice". No it bloody well wasn't! As i explained as best i could without destroying the mood, if it was my choice, we'd be doing our utmost to get me pregnant and that would definitely not include condoms! And as he is the one who doesn't want a baby, he should be the one taking responsibility for controlling his fertility. That burden shouldn't be falling to me too.

FKL.

Get a Pet

Something i hear a lot: why don't you get a pet instead?

I would love a pet. I'm always trying to talk the Husbit into letting me have a ferret or a cat or a snake or a guinea pig or something, but he tends to point out the practicalities (he doesn't like snakes, we aren't allowed cats where we are, ferrets and guinea-pigs really require more than a postage stamp garden etc etc).

The point is, though, that i want a pet as well as, not in place of, my children. A pet would (as my herbs currently) give me a bbit of an outlet for my broodiness but they wouldn't solve the issue, nor would i want them too. There are a huge physical aspects to being a mother that i crave - carrying a baby in my womb, breast feeding - that a pet cannot compensate for and that is what people don't seem to accept.

Baby Crazy - Explained pt 2

I, too, am baby crazy. It presents somewhat differently in me, but the basic pain is the same.

I remember being very little, maybe 3 or 4, and being handed someone's baby. I was fascinated by it and I remember my Mum telling me that when I was older I could have one, create one of my own.

I was entranced. I have been broody ever since.


When people find out how desperate I am to be a parent, they don't tell me to have a baby. They tell me I'm young, that I have plenty of time. Even people who think I'm older than I am tell me that and I've learnt to smile and nod and agree but they don't realise that not being a mum makes me feel like I'm dying a little inside, a little more every day and that I feel like I'm running out of time.

My biggest problem is that my partner does not want children. He has very good reasons which may be the topic for another post but he hides them behind pathetic reasons which makes me hurt all the more. It takes two to make a baby and I very much want him to be the other part of it, which means I have to wait.

My biggest symptoms are:

1. A huge feeling of failure when my period begins. I can usually tell in advance that one is coming but I 'pretend' to myself that it isn't and then it arrives anyway and I feel like I'm the biggest failure in the world. It is not dissimilar to either depression or normal menstrual upset, but it does feel markedly different.

2. Dreams and daydreams about being pregnant or having my own children, which can leave me feeling almost bereaved when they end.

3. Problems with friends - I can find it difficult to react around friends with small children or pregnant bellies. I'm most comfortable after the child has been born if I'm allowed to look after the child - I'll quite happily go shopping with someone else's child on my hip, for instance - but then people will tell me how natural I look with the child and I want to cry because of course I look natural with children because this is what I was born to do! And then comes that horrible moment when I have to give the child back. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to keep their child, I want to give birth myself but in the meantime the best I can have is borrowing another small person for a while.

There's also difficulty in relating to people who use social networks to complain or boast about their children. I find it frustrating to hear parents whining about behaviour which I know to be normal, I feel like screaming at them and then remember that as a non-parent I'm not entitled to offer an opinion on raising children because I don't know what it's like. And then I remember that I don't know what it's like and maybe it really is as awful as some people seem to think and then someone else will go on about how blessed they are to be a parent and I want to cry.

4. Inability to focus on anything but babies. As I've said, my partner, whom I affectionately call "The Husbit", isn't broody in the least and this can be a big problem when the only thought on my brain is "baby baby baby baby baby". I can risk missing stops on trains or buses, completely blank out the world around me, so focussed am I on my maternal day dream.

And this frightens me because the more time I spend dreaming about it the more afraid I am that I won't be much of a parent when my babies do come along because what if it's nothing like I think? And of course it won't be as I've imagined because all children are different so what if I turn out to be a terrible mother becuase I've put the idea of motherhood on a pedastool? Though I look at other parents out there and I think I'll be ok. I just need the baby.

Baby Crazy - Explained

This is my story. I am one person, and I know others who have dealt with similar, but each person is affected differently.

I suffer, currently daily, with an issue that is so easy to solve, but I can't.

I want a baby. It seems like such a simple statement but the reality of it is not. 

Many people, including health professionals, have told me I should simply have a baby. But there are a couple of flaws with that argument:

1. I'm not the only one involved in the process, just because I'm ready doesn't mean my other half is.
2. I am at a crucial point in my career, if I don't complete the next year in full I would have to re-train.

The truth is I could live without the job, but I won't do this with out my other half's support. I'm simply not able to do that to him. So until he is ready, I have to wait.

So what is life like living with constant, and often-times overwhelming, broodiness? 


In simple terms - horrible. But that doesn't really tell you much. So I'll let you in on a few of the "symptoms" (for want of a better word). 


1. Dreams - oddly vivid dreams of hearing, holding, playing with and feeding babies. Those kinds of dreams are actually fairly easy to deal with - you wake up, reality comes back fairly quickly. Then there are the other dreams - feeling a child move inside you, feeling the beginnings of a bump, dreams of that first moment when you *know*. Those are harder to wake up from. The feelings linger. Too many times I've woken up and had to put my hands on my stomach just to make sure... 


2. Hearing them - I'm sure you've caught a glimpse of something in the corner of your eye and when you've turned around it's not there. Now imagine that same sensation except with something you've heard. A child's cry, sometimes a child's laugh. It's not always a baby, sometimes a toddler, occasionally older - and I can hear them. As though they were just in the next room. I always know it's not real (how could it be), but sometimes, I admit, it makes me smile and I allow myself to indulge, just for a moment. 


3. Imagining them - I *see* them (my children) in many different places. In the back of the car is a fairly common one,  in the garden, in playgrounds. 


4. Issues with other people's children - This is an interesting one. For many years I could go and babysit or visit friends with children and I'd come away happier, sated almost, for a little while. But as the years have passed it is becoming harder and harder to cope with. I don't feel any inclination to keep the child for myself, it's not my child so why would I? My problem is the green eyed monster - why do these people get to have the one thing I want more than anything else? It is especially hard when I know they did not want the child initially, or appear to have little or no maternal or paternal instincts. I think I'll actually give this issue it's own post as I have a number of additional issues that have developed from it. 


5. Menstrual depression - This is depression of mood (not clinical depression) due to actually seeing and experiencing your period. Seeing that blood each month gives me a sense of failure - failure as a woman and failure to have given life. I have never experienced a miscarriage and I know that what I experience cannot compare to it, but I will admit that in my darkest moments I have felt bereft and broken from the mere act of having my period and in my own mind I have compared it to a miscarriage. I am not proud of that fact, and each month I feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way. 


So those are some of the issues I face, there are others I'm sure, but I can't think of them at the moment! I'll add to the list if I do. 


I hope that helps to explain some of the issues that broodiness can create when essentially "left untreated". It really can become debilitating.