12 Weeks

The Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant. Congratulations to her.

The world has found out "early" because she is so ill with it.

"Early"

Traditionally, and as this article from the BBC mentions, pregnancy (in the UK, at least) is not 'announced' for 12 weeks. I disagree with the reason for this given by the article:

"The three-month secrecy rule is usually abided by, however, so that if anything goes wrong in the early stages, the expectant mother doesn't have to face taking back what she's already announced."

I think that the pregnancy is normally kept secret for a different reason: superstition; a fear of jinxing the pregnancy by speaking it aloud and alerting the fey or malevolent forces of the baby's existance.

We live in a different world to those days when this was important. Medical understanding and access to sufficient nutrition mean that women are healthier and in a better position to look after themselves. We don't need to fear the bogeyman the way we did.

On the otherhand, miscarriages happen and what really annoys me about the quote from the BBc is that it ignores the greater problem. A woman who has miscarried needs support and understanding and she cannot expect that if no one knew she was pregnant. If people know, they will understand if she needs a bit of time. If they don't then she would have to explain far more to get the same understanding and rather than having to "face taking back what she's already announced" she is instead faced with having to speak about her dreams and the dashing thereof repeatedly.

I think we need to break this taboo and make it ok for women to talk about their pregnancy from much earlier. Not only will it mean that women who miscarry will not be afraid to ask for sympathy, but also it will demonstrate how common miscarriage actually is and give hope to those suffering.

Cat!

We're getting a cat!

Very excited. It won't save me from the crazies (baby or depressive) but I think it will help and having a cat will be lovely.

Also, there's a rumour that couples who get a cat start having babies! ;-)

But mostly, just excitement at having a pet. It's been a long time since I've had a little life relying on me and I've missed that.

Off The Pill

I've been on the pill since I was 18 (it probably would have been earlier if it weren't for the fact that my Mum thought it would promote promiscuity and our Doctors surgery was too far away for me to get to without her knowing). I lucked out and never had any noticeable problems with the first pill I was put on.

When I moved over here I brought a years worth of the pill with me, but once I married and got heath insurance coverage I found an OB and she found a pill with the same active ingredients.

It threw me off a little bit, I put on weight (also not helped by the portion sizes), my skin got spottier and my libido dropped. Told by the doctor that the pill could do no such thing it was all written off as being due to the rather major life changes going on (I will concede these were a factor, but I think the pill change helped too).

Then a few months ago my pill got changed. In Texas pharmacies are allowed to switch in generics in place of brand names. This doesn't bother me usually, it means I pay less (for example, when I had the ear surgery the antibiotic drops I needed didn't have a generic available so even with my insurance I ended up paying $60 for one weeks worth of drops, I paid less than $10 for the 3 other items I was picking up at the same time).

It's surprising to me how much a change in inactive ingredients can cause chaos with the body. Of course the active ingredients - the hormone balance is supposed to be the same. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but later research showed that pills that are theoretically the same can have differing inactive ingredients that can cause different changes in the body.

My libido plummeted, I mean, really plummeted (poor husband!) and I was under a black cloud, moody and miserable. I took a long hard look at everything and decided that for my sanity I needed to get off the pill, and preferably off of anything hormone related.

It came down to between an IUD and Natural Family Planning (bearing in mind whatever we did would be in tandem with condom use). Looking up the non-hormone IUD I was really unhappy with the idea of it. Aside from several references to doctors not being 100% sure how it worked, but mostly it seems like it causes a permanent state of infection in the uterus, so the extra white blood cells are present and therefore fight off any incoming sperm. But side effects (aside from your body flat out expelling it - more likely if used before ever becoming pregnant) include intense pain, extra heavy, painful periods, continuous bleeding all the way to permanent infertility. None of these sounded appealing! Plus taking a long term birth control method and using it for only a couple of years seemed not worth the time/effort/cost (it's a sad sad day with cost factors into health care choices!).

Which left Natural Family Planning. I had to stress heavily to the husband that this was not withdrawal, or calendar method which are both horribly ineffective. But studies had shown that NFP used responsibly can be as effective as the pill.

It does take some dedication, I'm taking my temperature every morning, checking my cervical fluid throughout the day, and then checking my cervical position. Now, technically you don't have to check all three, but I'm being thorough!

I've made my way through one cycle off of the pill and it's been eye opening. The hormone withdrawals, and my body trying to re-balance itself has led to a month of cramps and mood swings... It's really not been a fun experience. But I actually ovulated (not always common until a month or two after being off the pill), and while my cycle was extended it's a lovely positive sign to show my body isn't too screwed up.

It could still be a while for things to settle down fully, but it's a start, and it can only get better. Coping wise it helps me to be more in control and while I had a long talk with the husband over how this did open the door to an accidental oops (or even an "accidental" oops), he trusts that I wouldn't do that on purpose, which makes me more dedicated to charting properly so it doesn't happen even accidentally. Sounds silly I'm sure.

I also think it's beneficial that it's making me more in tune with my body, I'm paying attention to the signals and symptoms my body makes which can only be a good thing. I think that I'm taking this a lot more calmly now than if I had stayed on the pill until just before we wanted to start trying to conceive, I'd be a lot more frantic over things being not being right yet.

Baby Day

My depression went really bad the other day, so a friend offered to come down and give me baby therapy with her toddler and new baby. Was really nice. We met in a local cafe that's popular with our crowd, met up with a few other people and I was greeted by the toddler and handed the baby, who settled, fussed, yawned, settled and slept - which was exactly what I needed.

One of the other women there is pregnant so it was nice to catch up with her and her progress. We briefly touched on the financial implications of baby-making and both agreed it's too scary to really face right now. They have a budget plan but it means going without things they are used to having and her maternity package is really good. Frightened me when I look at what my options are and especially the cost of childcare :/

Another friend was being a bit broody but I don't think she realised I was having depression-related baby therapy rather than broody-related; she kept asking for baby to be passed to her but everyone else sort of put her off by pointing out that it might wake him, for which I was very grateful. It was annoying cos she knows how broody I am and she had spent some time already with toddler (who is a lovely toddler I enjoy spending time with very much) and I presume with baby too, so it felt selfish.

Bah. Will stop being mean. Baby time was good.

Have found recently that I get cross with myself when I drink coffee or alcohol or other things that I hear are bad for foetuses - I tell myself off for damaging a foetus that isn't even there. This is probably not healthy but I'm not sure what to do about it, beyond ignoring that voice and just getting on with things.

I probably do drink too much coffee, though, so cutting that down a bit wouldn't hurt for general health reasons.

7 Years

(Trigger warning for miscarriage)

I'm not entirely sure what brought it on, but I realised the other day that if I hadn't miscarried that first time, I would have a child turning seven right about now. The baby was barely with me long enough for me to know I was pregnant and it was during my first year at uni so the timing was awful and, whilst I think about it all from time to time, it never upsets me normally.

For some reason, though, this time is different. I've been especially broody of late and have spent time with other people's children, something that can help me cope but also can make me worse - sometimes at the same time. My period is also a bit early, I've discovered that a friend who hasn't responded to any of my efforts to contact her was pregnant the last time anyone else saw her (which might be why she's dropped off the face of my planet - she knows it'd upset me and rather than facing that she's made it a hundred times worse by legging it and leaving me to find out 2nd hand from someone who doesn't know how hard it is for me to hear), and a friend who I've been avoiding due to her being pregnant with her second child had a birthday so I felt I had to text her to wish her a happy birthday and that lead to the usual "lovely to hear from you! how are you?" situation that I was dreading because I knew it would come back to her baby...

It's going to be a daughter, she tells me; a little sister for her little boy.

I explained that my super-broodiness was why I couldn't be as excited for ehr as I'd like, and she said she understood, that another friend of hers had been told she couldn't have children and that it was hard to balance my friend's happiness with her friend's disappointment. She finished by adding that her friend now has 3 children and I felt like screaming how unfair it was that this woman who couldn't have children had three and I didn't have any.

I started texting my friend back to tell her that if I hadn't miscarried the first time, I would have a child recently turned seven and the second time I would have a child of an age with her son. I couldn't. I couldn't even finish typing the first sentence.

I dealt with it, squished it down inside me, but it really, really hurt. Later, when i was washing up and Husbit was watching TV so he couldn't hear me, I wept. As my tears started to dry, he came to kiss me goodnight and, for all I tried to control my breathing, he could tell something was up so he wrapped me in his arms and asked me what was wrong and I managed to tell him and he was brilliant, to begin with, just held me until the sobs had died again, and then he told me I would have a child one day, when he was ready, and that he really wouldn't have been ready then and then he freaked out and ran off but he did try to protect me and he has realised that I'm still raw from the pain now so he's looking after me but slightly at a distance, so I can have the space I need to deal with this without his getting trapped there, because it frightens him and he isn't ready and oh, that bothers me!

I realised, as I drafted this entry, why I'm so upset by it this time. It didn't upset me at the time because I knew I would have many more opportunities to get pregnant later; I knew it was a bad time to be pregnant, but knowing that I was able to conceive was a power. I was sure that I would have children by the time I was the age I am now. My sorrow is not so much for that child and that might-have-been as for the fact that I am still a childless mother and it never occurred to me that that might be the case.

I was doing very well at monitoring my menstrual cycle. I found it surprisingly helpful to be able to judge when I was likely to have a period; it meant I could prepare myself mentally for the crash. Recognising when I was ovulating was nice, too, because it let me pretend for the days when I'll need to know that for baby-making reasons and that made the periods easier to deal with because I could call it all a 'learning about my body' game.

My periods have tended to be erratic and I was surprised by how regular they were, as though I had been wrong all these years in thinking I was unpredictable and I just hadn't been paying attention. Only eventually I had a month when I didn't seem to ovulate, or at least, if I did ovulate I didn't recognise it. Now, being a bit on the lazy side, I was tending to fill in my calendar on my ovulation day rather than when menstruating but, because I failed to ovulate, I missed the previous period marking too. When the subsequent bleed began, it was early and then stopped and started again. The next month was the same - no apparent ovulation, period started early, stopped and then started again. I think I had three months like that. I haven't recognised an ovulation in that time and I'm now onto my fourth period (which may run smoothly or may be in its first step) and they aren't neatly regular.

It really does make things harder. It never occurred to me how much of a difference knowing when to expect a bleed would make, but it seems to be the diffeerence between waving and drowning.

Storm's Brewing

I haven't been around here in a while, I got comfortably numb and didn't want to prod and poke at it.

Then my Grandad died last week, very suddenly. I ended up brooding over the could-have-beens, and my regrets. I never saw him as much as I did my maternal grandfather, and while I didn't have control over that as a child, I could have done more to see him as a grown up.. Then the regret that he'll never meet any children of ours. I can't even make it to the funeral, I just looked it up - a direct flight there and back again is rolling in at $3000, even with 2 layovers was $1500.

That bombshell got followed by a week of birthdays and celebrations and gatherings (July is rife with birthdays!). Gatherings mean close encounters with the babies and the children, cuddling and playing and chasing... even just having them about the place.

A couple careless comments from customers later and I can feel the pressure building.

It's like the slow build up of a migrane.. or a storm. Building up pressure in my head. My eyes want to pop, I feel like it's in a vice. The thunderstorm is coming, and when it gets here there's going to be nothing I can do except cry and cry and cry.

I hate this

I hate this. "change something"... yes, I know EXACTLY what I need to change, it's not ethical, it requires lying to the one person I never want to hide from, and it will make them unhappy. So I CAN'T change something to make me happy. It just makes me angry that someone, somewhere, thought life could be this easy, and that people who should know better (i.e. someone who has a history of mental health issues) think it's a good meme to share. It just makes me feel worse.

Sibling Envy

So this is going to be a painfully personal post, discussing people I care about in a way I'm not accustomed to thinking of them and a way which doesn't make me feel very good about myself but I need it off my chest.

Found out to day that my sister is pregnant again. By accident again.

Ironically, she found out she was pregnant when taking the standard test before having a coil fitted to prevent another unplanned pregnancy. Assuming it comes to term, it will be her fifth.

And I love my sister. Painfully. But I feel so sad right now. My first thought was that it didn't seem a good thing. She lives in a council house with her SO and their two children. His twin daughters from a previous relationship show up from time to time. Her younger son from her previous relationship comes over when her ex isn't being an utter bastard (which means she sees him very rarely) and her eldest son ... well, we know he's ok but we don't know where he's living any more. She works part-time at as a barmaid when she can. Her SO claims he can't get a job because he failed at school but when the council paid for him to go to college to get GCSE's, he couldn't be bothered to go. Which had me tearing my hair out. He trats her better than her ex but he's still a wastrel and she deserves better but she loves him so it's even more complicated and I wish he'd try but maybe he does and it really is too hard for him and "can't be bothered" is easier to say.

And it's so frustrating to me. Their children have no discipline and, despite being smart (eldest nephew went to a school I did part of my PGCE in and all the teachers commented how smart he was and he really is and I'm not just saying that because I'm his aunt and love him to pieces), are likely to end up in the same boat as their dads, relying on the state to support them. It's so painful to me to see this poverty cycle, especially when I think about the wonderful, powerful woman my sister actually is.

And it's frustrating to me because I look at their situation and feel so, so jealous that I almost can't bear it. I feel like screaming "but I'm the one with a job with prospects and I'm the one who has saved money to prepare for this and I'm the one who's sat here with an empty womb". it feels karmically unfair. I've worked hard to be in a position to give my children a good start in life and only a week ago my Husbit turned to me and said that he wasn't prepared to have a child in a one bedroom flat and that we would be living there for at least five years. I made sure he saw me cry myself to sleep that night.

I feel trapped and jealous and helpless and can't help wondering if my sister is feeling similarly. she can't work whilst she's too pregnant or when her child is too small but without her pitiful income from her job, they really struggle to get by so that isn't fair either.

It all just hurts so much.

'Carpool Guy' movie Warning

My SO stuck this on in the background. I didn't have much say in the matter, I'd said I wasn't fussed. It certainly didn't ring any alarm bells from the name.

Within the first 5mins the main protagonist's partner had started talking about wanting a baby and the guy was listing all his reasons against the idea. This became a re-current theme through the film. If I had known, I'd have avoided it. I'm not exactly feeling strong at the moment.

Just thought I'd warn people as it is currently 'Watch Now' on LoveFilm.

Are there any other films people would warn against?

Future Children

I have been thinking a lot about my children recently and I'm so afraid I will never meet them.

It sort of follows on from Rosslyn's post about spirit babies. There are two children I very clearly see in my future, although the order in which they're born seems to be shifting and I'm really afraid, on some strange level, that that means I'm going to end up losing one of those children. They feel as powerfully mine as if they were already born.

I try not to think about them because I worry that I'll place to great a burden on them once they are born to be as I picture them now and that that could cause major problems for them but it is very difficult. They absorb a large part of my waking life.

I want to have them with me now, not at some unknown time in the future. I'm finding it difficult to accept that I still have to wait. It doesn't seem right.

Getting in control

We said, when we started this blog, that we would try and discuss coping techniques. So, here is one that I have come up with. 

I'm going to lose weight. 

I'm currently overweight and, according to my BMI, obese. This isn't something that greatly concerns me, I've always been overweight and it hasn't stopped me yet. However, it is something that I know I need to do something about. 

The ideal BMI for pre-pregnancy is 20-25. So that's my aim. I'm going to use this enforced time to focus on becoming healthy so that when we are ready, I'm ready. 

My reasons for choosing to do this are simple:

1. I will get something productive out of this excruciating time.

2. It is a choice/restriction *I* am placing on myself and it's something I have to do for myself. This means that if, by some miracle, my SO should change his mind or biology overrides medical science, I can ignore it. Unlike the constant obstacles placed in front of us by life, loved ones and responsibilities, this is a choice, and one I'm happy to break if I need to.

3. That leads on to the third reason I like it - this is something I can control. I can choose to eat less, exercise more, get to my goal. No one else is telling me I can't get X because of Y. 

Of course there are dangers. There will be days when I say to myself, you don't deserve a baby because you're still fat, but I do that any way. At least if I'm trying then I can feel like I might get to the point where I can't say that, and even more reasons on my side as to why *now* is the right time for us. 

If I'm in the best possible health, the risks (and therefore one of the fears and reasons against) are at their lowest. It's just a little something I can do with this time, to work towards the future I want. 

It's not controlled by jobs, money or something both of us need to do. I can do it all by myself. 

Wish me luck. 

Stupid Americans

Ok, maybe stupid is a little harsh, just thoughtless in this case.

Today is Mothers' Day over here... Working this morning I got wished a happy mothers day multiple times over.

I know they're probably just being friendly, taking a look at me and hedging their bets (I should add, of the staff working today I got it far more than anyone else), but it just served to rub salt into the fresh open wound.

I just can't understand why you would wish a happy mothers day to someone you don't know, someone whose circumstances you have no idea about. It seems to me that it's going to come across as rude and/or insensitive (imagine it being said to someone who has just lost a child) far more than it is going to be welcomed.

I've said it once, I'll say it many times - Stupid Americans!

With a focus on the crazy...

I don't know. I felt like things were pretty under control. Life was progressing well, targets being met, even a small degree of enthusiasm from The Husbit. I felt alive and hopeful and now.

And now.

Ugh.

 I think it partly started when I realised I'd missed the anniversary of my Mum's death. I felt guilty and miserable because I miss her and felt bad for not marking the anniversary. I also know a lot of my broodiness (genetic? learned? don't know) stems from her and maybe that sparked it a bit.

I also realised that whilst Husbit may be prepared to think about kids in the future, he means a far more distant future than I can cope with. And then we went out and he was being so good with a stranger's children - he has this amazing imagination that allows children to play with words with him and create those wonderful play worlds that (to me) epitomise childhood. And it sank in again how much he is throwing away of himself in not being interested in parenthood and that made me remember that he isn't interested and that made me sad and now I'm crying and lethargic and feeling like I'm in mourning again.

We're buying a flat and some of this is probably the equivalent of cold feet and wedding night jitters - I'm (on some level) afraid of committing and this is a pretty huge commitment and I'm terrified to go through with this if he won't let me have children and I'm scared to admit this to anyone and I feel numb and in pain at the same time.

I recognise a lot of what's in my head as being my bog-standard depression/anxiety crazies, but this time broodiness and my need to be a mother has become intrinsically intertwined with the rest of it. And not being a mother makes me feel part dead. And I'm frightened and crying and there's only so much I can tell him before he can't deal any more.

A tear fell on him yesterday and he brushed it off and pulled me closer, which gave me hope. When I told him why I cried, he didn't tell me the things I couldn't hear - the reasons why it's a bad idea and all the rest of what he's said before, of what other people have said before, all the things that don't matter in my head - he just accepted it and held me.

And they do matter in my head, especially the money side. I'm so afraid of not having enough money and losing the place we're buying because of having a baby and having everything falling down around me just to realise my dream. It's very frightening and I don't want to be scared because worrying about money takes away so much of my joy in the dream.

 It's not fair. I can't even have sex satisfactorily at the minute - I'm too distracted by thoughts of pregnancy, both desire for and fear of. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life.

 I think I need a cuddle.

I cried again today

I cried again today.

I haven't cried for so long, and this weekend I've heard it coming, it's been whispering at me since Friday. Waiting for me to listen. Waiting for me to fall.

I cried again today.

I really want to go back to feeling numb, but I know I was closing down connections when I was numb, so I had to claw back until I could feel, and now the feeling is too much.

Looking Forward in Terror

Our hopes of owning our own place creep forward. This is pretty key to having a baby - owning somewhere that has space enough is the first pre-requisite on Husbit's list. The flat we're buying is only a one-bed but it's a start and it's a decent size one-bed and once you own anywhere it can be easier to move up. So I keep telling myself. Compromise sucks. I hate that I've waited so much longer than I wanted already, for the sake of having things in order first. I've realised my childhood assumptions that money wouldn't be a big deal - that it would be easy for my partner to earn enough that I didn't need to earn at all and we could still own a house by the time I was 25 - were childish and that was a painful moment (and continues to be painful every time another dream bubble pops beneath reality's feet). I'm accepting that I will need to stay in work and that we will need to make more financial sacrifices than I'd thought or wanted to when we finally get there. And that's where the fear comes in. I want to be having babies but I'm afraid that we will have to sacrifice too much and that it won't work and that triggers off all the other fears - that I'll be a bad mum, that I'll have a terribly difficult pregnancy, that I won't bond with my children, etc, etc, etc. I don't want to be scared about something I desire so much, especially when it's still so far off. I'm trying to be realistic and enjoy those parts of my life that I won't have once I have a child, but sometimes I need to rant.

Spirit baby

Trigger warning - miscarriage

I have never, to my knowledge, suffered a miscarriage. However, as has often been discussed on these pages, there are months when those first few spots of menstrual blood pull me into despair. A few years ago, when trying to find some solace after a particularly bad month, I was surfing the internet and came across a story that has stayed with me.

Spirit Babies - Chapter Excerpt from Part IV of Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife

You will cry. I cry every time, even when I steel myself and know what is coming.

But what does this story mean for me? I've not lost a child, but I still have my circle of babies. As I said I first read this some years ago, so I have no idea how much it has affected my psyche, but I have noticed an odd phenomena in recent years. To fully explain this I have to go back again.

My SO and I have discussed children since the beginning of our relationship, but a few years ago we had a discussion about names. I don't know if this was a mistake but it has made "them" a lot more real to me; at my worst (or best depending on my mental state) I can hear them, feel them, see them. I used to think I knew who was coming first (we'll call him J for now) but recently I've noticed that it changes, sometimes B seems to be "closer". I always thought of B as the younger one, but I'm not sure that's the case any more. I think they take turns now... maybe B was getting tired of waiting. It worried me the first time it happened, I thought J might have gone to someone else, but ze (gender neutral pronoun) was still there, just not the eldest any more, not first. Then next month they'd changed again.

So now I see my babies floating around me, close to me, waiting until they can join me in this realm. Sometimes they are so close I can feel them brush against my cheek. Just waiting.

Just waiting.

Waiting.

Easier to Write..

I have this email sat in my drafts folder... trying to decide whether to send it or not

---

Firstly let me say I love you.. With all my heart, and more than I can ever show you or tell you. I don't let you know enough and I don't want you to ever doubt it.

I know I've been snippy at you. I'm desperately trying not to be, but sometimes it slips through.

So since when any of this comes up I end up in tears, I'm giving writing how I'm feeling a go. That way we don't get the endless circle of me crying then you feeling bad then me feeling bad etc etc.

I try not to bring up the baby stuff too very often (it may not seem like it but this is me trying). But it is always first and foremost in my mind.. If I can get through a day without being in tears at some point it's a good day. It tears me apart and don't even get me started on how I'm feeling as my period approaches :-\ (really, don't, it approaches messed up and makes me feel more insane than usual).

I don't blame you, please don't think that I do. I know you're being sensible (and one of us needs to be in this case) and ultimately I'm glad that you are. I'd rather have someplace to live.

But I have no one aside from you this side of the pond to share it with, to vent at/with and who understands how I'm feeling...

I guess it's made me more aware that I don't really have any true friends over here... I just hang out and tag along with your friends, it's not that I don't like them but there's nobody that I'm as close to as I was in Aber. I can talk online with [Rosslyn] and [Fern Kali], but it's not quite the same... And it's probably my fault, I've never been much good at making friends.. And I don't exactly go out of my way to meet new people :-(

I'm not sure what to do. I'll try hard not to snap at you, I really will. I'm not sure what else I can do

Timing

The house hunt has gone well and we're looking to move in a couple of months. This is exciting but has given me time to start thinking about the babyless situation that I have been able to keep out of my mind for the past few months. At around the same time, I had my 27th birthday (a kind of private deadline on being pregnant), our local family planning clinic has halved the number of free condoms you can have in a month, meaning we've had to research the rhythm method (more efficient than people realise when done properly, but doing properly means knowing your fertility well and that's a little painful), talking to new parents and hearing about others and having a friend tell me she's pregnant again.

This last is way and away the most painful because this woman told me she wasn't planning on having a baby yet when I was last miscarrying and, judging by the birth of her first, must have fallen pregnant within weeks of this. My mind keeps going back to her text and I haven't been able to bring myself to conbgratulate her because it would be hollow.

Every time I feel like maybe we'll be able to afford it soon, things change.

Husbit watched one of the Naked Gun films recently, the one that starts with the wife of Lesley Neilson being in a court room filled with nursing mothers. He thought the joke was that it meant the court room was biased until I glanced at the screen and went "yeah, I have days like that".

Why do babies all arrive together? Is it a perceptual bias, that something triggers a bit of baby crazy and then you see every other instance of it? I guess it must be but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like victimisation.

...and it's back.

It's actually been back for a while but I've been avoiding it. For me that means not talking about it and not even registering that it's back.

In the last month I've had more and more dreams about being pregnant; I've found myself day dreaming; I've also been dreading my periods again.

I'm still not really ready to talk about how it all makes me feel again. I just wanted people to know that it was getting hard again. I'm not sure it really stopped, I just hardened myself against it.

Feeling Insane

Earlier this month I discovered that grapefruit juice can interfere with the pill. It came as a bit of a surprise, I knew that it interacted with some various other medications but had never realised the pill was one of them. I drink a fair amount of grapefruit juice given half a chance and had just gotten through a litre bottle of it in short time prior to reading the article.

Skip to this week. I'm having the worst cramps prior to my period that I have ever had. I move and it feels all stabbity and not fun. I start convincing myself that it must mean something, it can't be random.. Perhaps, the grapefruit juice did it's thing at the same time as a condom failing, and maybe, just maybe I'm pregnant.

As I'm sure you understand, once that idea gets into my head I can't shake it. As the days creep past, from "well, my period might start today if it were going to" then "it would normally start today" and once I hit that I'm almost certain that it's not going to show. I get to "mildly late" and start spotting. Of course it's actually my period starting, but I have the idea so set in my head that that little voice is telling me that it can't be my period, it must be implantation bleeding - irregardless that if that was the case if would have been a week or so ago.

So here I am, on my period. Feeling like I must be bat-shit-crazy. I know, all the way through, that the chances are so minimally small that I'm not pregnant, and I'm not going to be for a long while. But my brain just hooks on that small chance, that feeling slightly different to the point where I can almost convince myself.. and then my period rolls around and it feels like I have to mourn a pregnancy that didn't even exist even though I know it didn't exist in the first place.

... I think I'm getting worse

Not feeling it

A couple of months ago Fern published a post about not being OK with the idea of being OK. I didn't think much of it at the time but recently I've been going back and re-reading it.

I've also come to the realisation that our "plan" to start trying next year won't work. If I go on maternity from next year I won't get any maternity pay so won't be able to spend the time with my child that I'd want to. So that means at least 2 years. But that didn't send me crazy. 

In fact something strange has been happening with my baby crazies; they've dipped. In fact some days they seem to have gone all together. On those days I start to think of all the reasons why having a child right now is a bad idea and I can list all the reasons and feel...fine. On those days that doesn't scare me.

Then I'll have a dream or just a fleeting thought and all those emotions and feelings come flooding back until I'm drowning in them. But that has been happening less and less.

Some bits have gotten worse. I still struggle to be around young children, I still struggle to be around some parents. But not because it hurts... because it doesn't; it feels numb. I don't feel anything around children any more. Have I really gotten to the point that I've cut myself off from all basic maternal instinct? And if I have, why doesn't that scare me? Why does that, too, just leave me feeling numb.

Writing this 6 months ago I would have been in tears. Now I'm sitting here and, though I feel some anxiety about admitting all this here, I don't feel upset. I don't feel much of anything. And though I know that should scare me, it doesn't. It feels... nice. Not to be tugged one way or another, not to be in turmoil, it's not exactly peace, but it's not the ranging war it was. It think, maybe, this will be OK for a while. I think being OK with the idea of being OK with not being a mum is OK for now. I think OK is the best I'm going to get, so I'll take it. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I don't want it to last, but, for right now, I want it to stay.