An Interesting Article

I saw this article (I am a fan of this blog by the way if you haven't seen it before) and thought I would share it with you guys.

Offbeat Mama - When is the right time to have a child?

Taking Charge

After our talk at the start of the month I have stepped up and set some goals. On the basis that we have approximately 3 years that's plenty of time to get our lives in order.

First up is a household budget. Now, we don't live hand to mouth, but we seem to hemorrhage money more than we reasonably should. It doesn't help that we're essentially a one income household, most of my wages go to my loan, what little I have left gets split between bills and going to my retirement account. So I made us sit down and see where our money is going, and we made a plan.

I feel kind of like a bitch by taking the husband and telling him how we're spending his money, but it is >our< household and our life.

In the new year when our health insurance changes we'll be taking the extra money from that to a joint savings account to use for medical bills and house emergencies.

I've banned us from doing any more home renovations until a) the lounge is finished (we're missing door frames and skirting boards right now) and b) until the credit card is paid off. I didn't realise his credit card had quite so much on it, so that's getting cleared.

And to help with the budgeting we will be starting menu planning so we don't splurge at the supermarket. And it'll help us keep to the healthy eating plan which is the next step.

I have about 30lb to lose to get below being "obese," personally I think bmi measurements are all manner of bullshit, but it's what a lot of those in the medical profession use as a guide to determine whether I'll get the birth of my choice or bullied and browbeat into c-section.

It doesn't stop the hurt, it doesn't stop the pain and the tears. But it helps to be working on something productive that will put us in a better place to be once we do get to start our family.

I've been trying to spend time with our friend's babies. I end up mopey afterwards, but I do enjoy the time with them - especially since I never babysat when I was younger so I have very little actual real experience with childcare. The eldest is 11 months right now and it's been wonderful to see him grow.

There is the part of me that wants to spurn them, that is jealous and comes away from every encounter hurting. But it's not their fault.

Not ok with no baby

Soooo.... hae been dealing pretty well with baby crazy lately. Have been looking at buying our first flat together (gulp) and a few other bits and pieces which show our commitment to each other and that has given me a great release from the constant pressure of baby crazy - finding a flat together is a good step towards being in a position to start trying for children and is keeping me busy enough to take my mind of things. Even my last couple of periods haven't been too bad (in that sense anyway, PMS & menstrual cramps still afflict me which I guess just goes to show that the baby crazy is a fully separate part of me).

But here's something important. I am not ready to not be baby crazy. What frightens me more than not having children is the idea that I might not have children and be ok with that. If I don't have children, I want to be screaming to the universe at the injustice of it, I want to do all the things I know I shouldn't do cos, hey, if I'm not breeding, if I don't have to worry about my descendants, why shouldn't I be selfish? And these aren't thoughts I want to have but I'd rather have that than be ok with not having children.

Is that crazy?

FKL

Broody media bile

This will make your blood boil. Do not read if you are feeling fragile.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2056875/Liz-Jones-baby-craving-drove-steal-husbands-sperm-ultimate-deception.html

This is every thing we are NOT. This woman is deceptive, cruel and manipulative. She claims to be a "feminist" and I frankly can't imagine anyone less of a feminist than her!

This is also our fight. Media representation of broody women is almost entirely negative; either we are manipulating our SO's or we are teary, pathetic and desperate. Where are the representations of the women who struggle? The women who are communicating as honestly and openly as they can with the people they love and fighting every biological impulse?

The comments section is equally demoralising, full of people who are happy to criticise Ms. Jones, while in the same breath only giving examples of women like her. The amount of bile and bitterness from the men is also disheartening, they seem to genuinely believe that all women think like her.

I'm going to close this post before I start adding my own bile to the pot, but we need to be aware of this type of publicity. This is why we can't have these discussions with friends, these are the judgements they will make. In my darkest moments, these are the judgements our SO's make too, but hope they know us better than that.

Outpouring

So, the husband is in general a very perceptive man, and has apparently been picking up on the broodiness even though I've been keeping quiet. (Yes, I'm a bad person, I had still not gotten around to talking to him).

Since I'm home by the time he gets home from work and I don't see him in the mornings I've gotten in the habit of sitting on the bed and talking to him when he gets home from work and is getting changed.

I was having a particularly shitty day yesterday and when asking how I was he pushed and pushed and pushed until I broke and told him.

There was much tears and much hugging, and while not an ideal situation it was in hindsight good for him to see the depth of my feelings and it prompted a long conversation.

Basically I got thoroughly told off for not sharing with him because I didn't want him to feel bad.. Turns out he does feel bad, he makes himself feel like the bad guy - because he wants kids, he wants kids now (this bit was news to me), his clock is ticking too and is making himself feel bad for being the one to say no.

He's still not happy with the idea of being parents until my loan is paid off. He understands why I would like to still be in employment and not fully self employed when it happens, but the loan is the sticking point. He is comfortable that we could cope on just his wages if and only if I wasn't sending $600-$800 back to England every month, he can't cover that, and I wouldn't expect him too.

So I broke down even further (who knew it was possible at that point) and let him know that I really don't think I can deal with feeling this way for 3 more years. His only answer to that was to use that as a goad to work harder at the self employment and gain more earnings to pay my loan off that way.. sensible and at the same time really unhelpful - I am trying to do that anyway, funnily enough I would like my business to succeed and it still seems like an impossible task.. Right now, if I earn an extra $50 a month from the business I'm doing well (curse giving the business 2/3 of our profits).

So, we talked. Not quite as much as I maybe wanted to but we definitely cleared the air, even if it wasn't the answers I wanted. And at least he has an inkling of how I feel and is banning me from bottling it up too much and keeping it from him.

Apologies

Firstly, apologies. I haven't blogged for quite a while and hopefully you'll understand why by the end of this post; though it doesn't actually make me a very good person.


On the one hand my laptop is playing up and I rarely have more than 15mins on time before it turns itself off. It is then generally unable to sustain power for an hour after that. So when I do get on-line I focus on the stuff I *have* to do.


On the other hand my baby crazies have managed to actually get a little crazy. I've been getting angry, but more frighteningly for me, angry at specific people for having children. Even angry at them for having children around me. I feel so bitter and annoyed that I can't quite get my own head around it. 


In fact I tried to write this up a while ago but I found myself getting angry and annoyed at the posts on here! ANYTHING that talked about babies, children or motherhood; even the very things that had once comforted me, showed me I wasn't alone in my feelings; were torment. Are torment. I think I'm coming through it now, but I don't like the person this is turning me into. Not wanting to be around people who are good friends just because they have children, feeling cold, isolated and annoyed when ever they are around is not fair on either me, them or anyone else we're with. And it's certainly not like I can turn to them and say, "I'm sorry, I don't like you any more because I can't stand to watch you living the life I want and can't have yet." And what makes it even worse is the third reason I haven't written. 


So third and finally, guilt. October half term 2 years ago I had a contraceptive implant put into my arm. In 1 year I will have it removed, and, barring any unforeseen circumstances, me and my SO will start trying for a child. So it's not even like I have a lifetime of waiting, it's not even like I can say it's the uncertainty that's making me so cruel and mean spirited, because it's not. It's something worse. It's just me. I'm letting all those little worriesand concerns ( such as he'll die before we try, he'll leave me, we'll argue and he'll change his mind - rarely are "little worries" rational) overwhelm me to the point that I'm blaming other people for the fact that I haven't got there yet. I'm jealous and scared and angry and it's starting to show. 


So those are my reasons, and as I said, I'm not being such a great human being at the moment. I know that and I'm desperately trying to be the person I should and want to be. By making this post I am NOT looking for people to make excuses for me. We all know it's hard, we don't all feel bitter and twisted around good friends, we don't all look at other people's children and feel dead and empty inside. I have no cause or reason for any of this and if anything I'm looking for a kick up the ass and a telling off for being so callous.