Storm's Brewing

I haven't been around here in a while, I got comfortably numb and didn't want to prod and poke at it.

Then my Grandad died last week, very suddenly. I ended up brooding over the could-have-beens, and my regrets. I never saw him as much as I did my maternal grandfather, and while I didn't have control over that as a child, I could have done more to see him as a grown up.. Then the regret that he'll never meet any children of ours. I can't even make it to the funeral, I just looked it up - a direct flight there and back again is rolling in at $3000, even with 2 layovers was $1500.

That bombshell got followed by a week of birthdays and celebrations and gatherings (July is rife with birthdays!). Gatherings mean close encounters with the babies and the children, cuddling and playing and chasing... even just having them about the place.

A couple careless comments from customers later and I can feel the pressure building.

It's like the slow build up of a migrane.. or a storm. Building up pressure in my head. My eyes want to pop, I feel like it's in a vice. The thunderstorm is coming, and when it gets here there's going to be nothing I can do except cry and cry and cry.

I hate this

I hate this. "change something"... yes, I know EXACTLY what I need to change, it's not ethical, it requires lying to the one person I never want to hide from, and it will make them unhappy. So I CAN'T change something to make me happy. It just makes me angry that someone, somewhere, thought life could be this easy, and that people who should know better (i.e. someone who has a history of mental health issues) think it's a good meme to share. It just makes me feel worse.