Avoidance tactics

It has been months since I posted here. There's been a lot going on, but that's nothing new. The reason for not posting has been simple. If I don't post about it, maybe I'm not thinking about it. And, annoyingly, to a large extent that is true.

We have always maintained that it never goes away but there can be developments that help to minimise its impact and its hold on us.

I've recently suffered my first major depressive episode. I never thought I would experience something like that, I always thought I was "mentally strong" but I cracked. I went to a very dark and unhappy place that I hope to never return to. However, with help from friends, family, doctors and counsellors I'm on the mend. Part of the depression was kids, but it was a small part. There were multiple other layers and facets to the experience that I don't wish to dwell on in an open forum.

So how does that relate to minimising and avoidance? For that I have to look back. I had been blaming the baby crazy for a lot of emotions and unhappiness that wasn't strictly about the baby crazy. It was a convenient excuse for feeling down and once I was down it was a subject I could easily dwell on (and did). The first time I asked for help with my emotions I wrapped it up in the baby crazy and was told I was fine and that it would pass. That was a mistake, but I was fooling my self because "I was strong" - I couldn't possibly have depression, I was just feeling broody. And I was convincing, to myself as well as medical professionals.

So I was using the baby crazy to minimise and avoid other things. What now though? I broke, I'm getting fixed, but the baby crazy is still there. I'm just able to see it a little better. I'm not trying to stretch it around a multitude of other issues I'm avoiding so I can see it for what it is. A dull ache, the odd tearful sigh, but it's no longer debilitating. I'm able to look forward to the next few months, look towards socialising, events, opportunities coming up, and not tack on to every thought "will he change his mind?", "Can I still have kids?", "Can I keep waiting?". The questions are still there, they're still unanswered, but they are not the tag ons. Now the tag ons are "I should enjoy this right now", "I might not have the opportunity to do this in the future".

I'm holding on to those tag ons for now. They help me change the shapes of my thoughts and right now that's what I need to do. They are my avoidance tactics. How successful they are can only be answered in time.