A Ramble of Thoughts

Seems to me at work at the moment, every day I'm either hearing about someone being born or someone dying.

Today, twins were born to the cousin of a colleague. I don't know if I would want to raise twins exactly, but a little voice inside me started whining "how come she gets two when I can't even have one?" It's such a pathetic thought that I did my best to squash it down with the contempt it deserved but the resentment towards my childless-life remains. I know that having a child would bring on every sort of new challenge possible, but the changes are the sorts of changes I live for. The other day, I played with Cleverbot, who asked "What is your purpose?"

I wonder how many people struggle when faced with that question. To me, the answer is simple; my purpose, my will, my dharma is to be a mother. That is who I am born to be. Maybe in another life, my purpose will be different, but in this time and place, this is who I am and it frustrates me not to have the children to show to the world "THIS IS WHO I AM". A childless mother. That's a pretty sorry state of being, like a wingless albatross or a jawless alligater. It's limiting, confining, ultimately frustrating and it feels escapeless, at least at the moment.

It takes two to make a relationship work and this is, presently, part of my sacrifice. The relationship is worth it, but only if this sacrifice is temporary and I hate even thinking like that because it feels like I'm betraying the Husbit. Eventually, the balance will shift but I can't help feeling that his sacrifice - letting me have children - will ultimately turn out nearly as rewarding for him as for me and that makes me jealous. Which is stupid because he isn't me and our ultimate needs and desires out of this life are different.

But seeing fathers talk about their children gives me bitter-sweet hope.

FKL.