The Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant. Congratulations to her.
The world has found out "early" because she is so ill with it.
"Early"
Traditionally, and as this article from the BBC mentions, pregnancy (in the UK, at least) is not 'announced' for 12 weeks. I disagree with the reason for this given by the article:
"The three-month secrecy rule is usually abided by, however, so that if
anything goes wrong in the early stages, the expectant mother doesn't
have to face taking back what she's already announced."
I think that the pregnancy is normally kept secret for a different reason: superstition; a fear of jinxing the pregnancy by speaking it aloud and alerting the fey or malevolent forces of the baby's existance.
We live in a different world to those days when this was important. Medical understanding and access to sufficient nutrition mean that women are healthier and in a better position to look after themselves. We don't need to fear the bogeyman the way we did.
On the otherhand, miscarriages happen and what really annoys me about the quote from the BBc is that it ignores the greater problem. A woman who has miscarried needs support and understanding and she cannot expect that if no one knew she was pregnant. If people know, they will understand if she needs a bit of time. If they don't then she would have to explain far more to get the same understanding and rather than having to "face taking back what she's already announced" she is instead faced with having to speak about her dreams and the dashing thereof repeatedly.
I think we need to break this taboo and make it ok for women to talk about their pregnancy from much earlier. Not only will it mean that women who miscarry will not be afraid to ask for sympathy, but also it will demonstrate how common miscarriage actually is and give hope to those suffering.
Over here it seems far more the norm to announce earlier.. in some cases pretty much as soon as they've peed on the stick. While most of my British friends still wait for 12 weeks - for tradition or superstition.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me wonder if it wasn't just part of that good ol' stiff-upper-lip - we're English, can't just go showing emotion now.
A friend over here has had several miscarriages since I've known her, and it seems far better for everyone all around to hear the news and be able to celebrate with her, and then subsequently be able to hold her hand and support her when things are looking like they've taken a turn for the worse. And then be able to be there when she has miscarried.
If she had never shared we'd all be wondering why she was randomly upset and raging against the world and be blaming her and turning away from her when she needed her friends the most.
That's exactly it!
ReplyDeletei hope things work out for your friend, that really sucks. Am glad she does at least have support :)
I had a similar discussion with someone who miscarried in the first 12 weeks. She wanted people to know, she wanted them to understand why she randomly burst into tears. When I spoke to her, sometime after the event she was still grieving.
ReplyDeleteI think understanding it is a grieving process when you miscarry is equally important.
That friend is now pregnant and all looks well.
On the other hand, when, if, I should ever be pregnant I'm not sure I'll want to tell. I agree it should not be taboo and nor should it be expected that you don't out of superstition or fear. But, if I am ever so fortunate, I want to have that time for me and the new life I'm forming. I want to be able to have a time in the whole process that is just for us. Those 12 weeks where it's known only to the parents can be precious. I imagine a sense of loss when you do share, and a sense of release.
I have no idea if that makes sense, and I am talking from a position of someone who has never miscarried, but I think it's important to note that each mother will be different.
I can understand that; you describe it very poetically and it does make sense.
ReplyDeleteI think for me it goes back to something someone said to me when someone else miscarried - "Why are you all so upset about something that never happened?" (referring to a child not being born, not trying to say that the miscarriage hadn't happened). That was a response that really shocked me and I think might not have happened if the person speaking had any idea of what a miscarriage actually entails.