At the start of March I got a phone call asking when I had been anticipating visiting next. Honestly, while I didn't have a time in mind, I hadn't anticipated another visit until we had a child. I made a deal (only semi-joking) with my Mum that when we had a child we would spend the first Christmas with them.
And then the phonecall. With a choice. Grandad isn't getting any better. Either scramble for the money and visit within a month or so. Or hold out, save up and have the money to hand ready for the funeral. Not much of a choice, even though only I'm able to come.
I've been keeping the visit pretty quiet, not many people outside of family know I'm going to be in the country. But the entire purpose of the visit is to spend time with my family. It'll probably be a couple more years before I'm back on a social trip again. But at least then I'll have the husband with me.
There's lots of mixed emotions churning around my head right now. As is usual to us here, lots of them baby related.
The reality really hit me yesterday that barring some impressive odds this is the last time I'll see my Grandad. Chances are I'll never be able to share a pregnancy and the growth of my family with the man who was my Father-figure throughout my childhood. I'll never see him holding my baby, his great-grandchild.
At least I'll get to spend some time with my niece.
This must be an incredibly difficult time for you. It's always the life changes that hit the hardest; on all emotional levels.
ReplyDeleteOddly, when I got glasses I had a minor episode. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that any child I have will never know me without glasses. I realise it is nothing to the feelings you're experiencing, but it's a similar train of thought and it always leads to the same place: Time is moving on and we are not. Or at least, it feels like we aren't because that core part of our "next stage" is just out of reach.
I hope you managed to have the time with your Grandfather that you wanted and enjoyed your time with family. Stay strong. I'll be thinking of you.
My Grandad actually had a really good week while I was there, though some of it I think was him trying to put on a good face for me. It almost made it harder to accept that he's on his way out - between his one kidney, his lungs and his heart he's slowly falling apart.
ReplyDeleteWhile physically it was a very relaxing visit mentally it was very challenging and I've spent most of the time since I got back processing everything.
I got to spend some good time with him, and even managed to get him out for a walk in his wheelchair, the first time he's been to anywhere except the hospital since October. I also spent some time with my paternal Grandmother, which was nice since I haven't spent time with her since my Grandad on that side died last summer. And I got to spend a good few days with my niece which was wonderful.
There were lots of long, deep conversations with various family members spread throughout the visit, about life and death. I even learnt some new things about a couple of people.
I've been pretty much hit hard with the crazies since I've been back. We had a party at our place the start of the month, inviting one of M's colleagues and his wife. M had told me a few weeks ago that she was pregnant so I was mentally prepared until she walked in ~8 months pregnant, thanks sweetie! I had to take some time out and compose myself.
I still try not to harp on to M about it all, but I know that I probably do.
After seeing a friend who we hadn't seen in a couple of years we both had the incentive to seriously work on our diet and lifestyle. Lazy, sedentary guy who eats nothing but junk had dropped 80lbs just by counting calories using the MyFitnessPal app. So we're about a month in to that and it's going well, it's small subtle changes, more to the quantities we eat that what we are actually eating, it's been eye opening to actually see the tallies of everything we eat and we're both happy with the slow-but-steady progress. I think it makes it easier than previous attempts since not only are we both doing it together but we can see each other's food diaries and keep each other honest. But M stated that not only does he want me to feel happier about myself, but he feels that a pregnancy will go easier if I start at a lower weight. So he does think about it!
Wow, this comment got much longer than I though it was going to! I guess I'll leave it at this