Bad days

Warning: This is an unedited ramble

I'm having a bad day. The problem with bad days is that there is always someone who suffers worse than you and has more going on and who is more deserving of support than you. Therefore, your bad day is not *really* a bad.

But bad days are relative.

My bad day is a bad day for me, and I decided that was allowed. I'm not going to post on facebook, or G+ or anywhere else because, firstly, it's not something I want the world to know, and secondly, I don't want to have to explain why I feel like this and justify why this need makes me feel this bad.

So what does a "Baby day" look like. I can't speak for all, but this is my day.

Usually it starts just like every other day, but I usually have a particular stress such as being overly tired or stressed (both of which were true this morning). Sometimes, there are no stresses, and it's just there. I have nothing on the calendar that should mean I have to be around babies, but every conversation today seems* to have included babies. I got up at 11 - having had a late night - and logged on to fb. The first status was a mother posing about her kids, the fourth was a father discussing his kids. Nothing else in my feed registered. I felt like I was being bombarded with updates on kids. I logged off.

This afternoon I went to a BBQ - no babies, all good. But then conversations ranged from motherhood, 'When you own a dog they become your children', baptism and motherhood. Of course they weren't all like that, but I don't remember the others. My brain won't let me. Or I won't let me. The problem being that there is a masochistic part of me that wants to hold on to and replay these conversations so I can feel *something* or some kind of connection with motherhood. I want to engage in these conversations, even though they hurt so much, because at least then I have a line or link to those who have what I most desperately want.

However, a side effect of these conversations, as well as the initial pain they cause, is the deeper, longer-lasting jealousy which develops into guilt over said jealousy. Why jealously? I'm having these conversations with people who are parents. And the question my mind supplies, every TIME, is "What did you do right to get to have a family?" "Why do you get to have a family and I don't?". I hope it should be obvious how that quickly develops into guilt over that line of thought.

I managed to survive the BBQ, I was even "charming" by all accounts. I don't feel like I was. I feel washed out and edgy. I feel like I was trying to hold myself together just long enough. I'm still trying to hold myself together. I'm a little better her, at the end of the day, looking at a screen, trying to distract myself and focus on other things.

So what are the other things you can focus on when you're having a bad day? These will differ for every person, but for me: Chatting on facebook, reading news articles on education, and watching T.V. programmes like criminal minds - engaging, bloody and violent. Comedy doesn't help me, nor do cartoons or fantasy usually, I need gritty and uncompromising to get my head away from broody thoughts.

This has been quite a ramble. I'm not sure how helpful or even relevant it is. But I wanted to share my bad day. Reading over it, it doesn't even sound that bad. What you can't convey in writing is the constant struggle, the draining ache that takes your energy and makes everything so hard to do, that utter sinking feeling when you come home and realise you're alone with your thoughts again, or simply expending the energy required not to cry in front of your significant other.

*****

*I know this is not true, but when like this my mind makes connections and everything comes back to pregnancy, birth, babies and motherhood. You'd be amazed at how many things we do in everyday life link to those themes.