Bridges, stepping stones and leaps of faith.

I've not been on this site for several months. I've not been in a good baby-crazy place; I've needed to cram it all down into a tiny space where I can keep it squished down and out of site to keep it out of control.

It's mostly been money. Our combined monthly income covers our necessary outgoings and some frivolities/socialising but this leaves only a minimal amount for savings, and we've had to cash those savings in more often than I could cope with. Which means dreams of owning a home big enough for a family have been crumbling.

I have felt trapped on this path, like it's a very narrow bridge that leaves no option except to keep plodding forward; cautious, weary step after cautious, weary step towards a future that held no obvious promise of improvement. The path seemed fixed and I couldn't see any way to escape.

So I've decided to do something I've never done before: I've channelled the fierce self-determination of my little sister and taken a risk. I've made a leap of faith to set myself on a new path. It's a path I've looked at, but it means putting dreams of a child on hold for another 5 years and I've never been prepared to do that, but the path I was on made it look that not only was it 50/50 whether I would have reached parenthood within 5 years anyway, but also that finances would still be tight when we got there, so there would be more stresses I could do without.

I'm going back into training to start a new vocation. I'm going to be 33 by the time I start my new career - assuming I get accepted. I will be earning more and also my parents should have retired by then - which means downsizing and providing Husbit adn I with some funds towards buying a bigger place.

It's scary. On the one hand, I wish I'd done this sooner so that I wouldn't have to be so much older by the time I'm on firmer footing, but at the same time I think I wasn't settled enough in myself to be able to land the jump.

It could still go wrong. But at least I'm trying. And no more tears before bedtime at the lack of baby - at least for now.