With a focus on the crazy...

I don't know. I felt like things were pretty under control. Life was progressing well, targets being met, even a small degree of enthusiasm from The Husbit. I felt alive and hopeful and now.

And now.

Ugh.

 I think it partly started when I realised I'd missed the anniversary of my Mum's death. I felt guilty and miserable because I miss her and felt bad for not marking the anniversary. I also know a lot of my broodiness (genetic? learned? don't know) stems from her and maybe that sparked it a bit.

I also realised that whilst Husbit may be prepared to think about kids in the future, he means a far more distant future than I can cope with. And then we went out and he was being so good with a stranger's children - he has this amazing imagination that allows children to play with words with him and create those wonderful play worlds that (to me) epitomise childhood. And it sank in again how much he is throwing away of himself in not being interested in parenthood and that made me remember that he isn't interested and that made me sad and now I'm crying and lethargic and feeling like I'm in mourning again.

We're buying a flat and some of this is probably the equivalent of cold feet and wedding night jitters - I'm (on some level) afraid of committing and this is a pretty huge commitment and I'm terrified to go through with this if he won't let me have children and I'm scared to admit this to anyone and I feel numb and in pain at the same time.

I recognise a lot of what's in my head as being my bog-standard depression/anxiety crazies, but this time broodiness and my need to be a mother has become intrinsically intertwined with the rest of it. And not being a mother makes me feel part dead. And I'm frightened and crying and there's only so much I can tell him before he can't deal any more.

A tear fell on him yesterday and he brushed it off and pulled me closer, which gave me hope. When I told him why I cried, he didn't tell me the things I couldn't hear - the reasons why it's a bad idea and all the rest of what he's said before, of what other people have said before, all the things that don't matter in my head - he just accepted it and held me.

And they do matter in my head, especially the money side. I'm so afraid of not having enough money and losing the place we're buying because of having a baby and having everything falling down around me just to realise my dream. It's very frightening and I don't want to be scared because worrying about money takes away so much of my joy in the dream.

 It's not fair. I can't even have sex satisfactorily at the minute - I'm too distracted by thoughts of pregnancy, both desire for and fear of. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life.

 I think I need a cuddle.