Soooo.... hae been dealing pretty well with baby crazy lately. Have been looking at buying our first flat together (gulp) and a few other bits and pieces which show our commitment to each other and that has given me a great release from the constant pressure of baby crazy - finding a flat together is a good step towards being in a position to start trying for children and is keeping me busy enough to take my mind of things. Even my last couple of periods haven't been too bad (in that sense anyway, PMS & menstrual cramps still afflict me which I guess just goes to show that the baby crazy is a fully separate part of me).
But here's something important. I am not ready to not be baby crazy. What frightens me more than not having children is the idea that I might not have children and be ok with that. If I don't have children, I want to be screaming to the universe at the injustice of it, I want to do all the things I know I shouldn't do cos, hey, if I'm not breeding, if I don't have to worry about my descendants, why shouldn't I be selfish? And these aren't thoughts I want to have but I'd rather have that than be ok with not having children.
Is that crazy?
FKL
I don't think that's crazy. I've had similar thoughts before. I've tried to imagine who I would be with out this desire and most of the time I really can't see her. This desire has been a part of me for so long the idea of giving up on it, or having it not happen and be OK with that, just doesn't compute. Other times I imagine a life where I haven't been working towards this goal and it's very different. I think I would have been a lot more destructive as a teenager if there hadn't a little voice saying "Think about where this could end and what you could lose". I'm starting to realise not many other people have that voice!
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