Outpouring

So, the husband is in general a very perceptive man, and has apparently been picking up on the broodiness even though I've been keeping quiet. (Yes, I'm a bad person, I had still not gotten around to talking to him).

Since I'm home by the time he gets home from work and I don't see him in the mornings I've gotten in the habit of sitting on the bed and talking to him when he gets home from work and is getting changed.

I was having a particularly shitty day yesterday and when asking how I was he pushed and pushed and pushed until I broke and told him.

There was much tears and much hugging, and while not an ideal situation it was in hindsight good for him to see the depth of my feelings and it prompted a long conversation.

Basically I got thoroughly told off for not sharing with him because I didn't want him to feel bad.. Turns out he does feel bad, he makes himself feel like the bad guy - because he wants kids, he wants kids now (this bit was news to me), his clock is ticking too and is making himself feel bad for being the one to say no.

He's still not happy with the idea of being parents until my loan is paid off. He understands why I would like to still be in employment and not fully self employed when it happens, but the loan is the sticking point. He is comfortable that we could cope on just his wages if and only if I wasn't sending $600-$800 back to England every month, he can't cover that, and I wouldn't expect him too.

So I broke down even further (who knew it was possible at that point) and let him know that I really don't think I can deal with feeling this way for 3 more years. His only answer to that was to use that as a goad to work harder at the self employment and gain more earnings to pay my loan off that way.. sensible and at the same time really unhelpful - I am trying to do that anyway, funnily enough I would like my business to succeed and it still seems like an impossible task.. Right now, if I earn an extra $50 a month from the business I'm doing well (curse giving the business 2/3 of our profits).

So, we talked. Not quite as much as I maybe wanted to but we definitely cleared the air, even if it wasn't the answers I wanted. And at least he has an inkling of how I feel and is banning me from bottling it up too much and keeping it from him.