Apologies

Firstly, apologies. I haven't blogged for quite a while and hopefully you'll understand why by the end of this post; though it doesn't actually make me a very good person.


On the one hand my laptop is playing up and I rarely have more than 15mins on time before it turns itself off. It is then generally unable to sustain power for an hour after that. So when I do get on-line I focus on the stuff I *have* to do.


On the other hand my baby crazies have managed to actually get a little crazy. I've been getting angry, but more frighteningly for me, angry at specific people for having children. Even angry at them for having children around me. I feel so bitter and annoyed that I can't quite get my own head around it. 


In fact I tried to write this up a while ago but I found myself getting angry and annoyed at the posts on here! ANYTHING that talked about babies, children or motherhood; even the very things that had once comforted me, showed me I wasn't alone in my feelings; were torment. Are torment. I think I'm coming through it now, but I don't like the person this is turning me into. Not wanting to be around people who are good friends just because they have children, feeling cold, isolated and annoyed when ever they are around is not fair on either me, them or anyone else we're with. And it's certainly not like I can turn to them and say, "I'm sorry, I don't like you any more because I can't stand to watch you living the life I want and can't have yet." And what makes it even worse is the third reason I haven't written. 


So third and finally, guilt. October half term 2 years ago I had a contraceptive implant put into my arm. In 1 year I will have it removed, and, barring any unforeseen circumstances, me and my SO will start trying for a child. So it's not even like I have a lifetime of waiting, it's not even like I can say it's the uncertainty that's making me so cruel and mean spirited, because it's not. It's something worse. It's just me. I'm letting all those little worriesand concerns ( such as he'll die before we try, he'll leave me, we'll argue and he'll change his mind - rarely are "little worries" rational) overwhelm me to the point that I'm blaming other people for the fact that I haven't got there yet. I'm jealous and scared and angry and it's starting to show. 


So those are my reasons, and as I said, I'm not being such a great human being at the moment. I know that and I'm desperately trying to be the person I should and want to be. By making this post I am NOT looking for people to make excuses for me. We all know it's hard, we don't all feel bitter and twisted around good friends, we don't all look at other people's children and feel dead and empty inside. I have no cause or reason for any of this and if anything I'm looking for a kick up the ass and a telling off for being so callous.