I, too, am baby crazy. It presents somewhat differently in me, but the basic pain is the same.
I remember being very little, maybe 3 or 4, and being handed someone's baby. I was fascinated by it and I remember my Mum telling me that when I was older I could have one, create one of my own.
I was entranced. I have been broody ever since.
When people find out how desperate I am to be a parent, they don't tell me to have a baby. They tell me I'm young, that I have plenty of time. Even people who think I'm older than I am tell me that and I've learnt to smile and nod and agree but they don't realise that not being a mum makes me feel like I'm dying a little inside, a little more every day and that I feel like I'm running out of time.
My biggest problem is that my partner does not want children. He has very good reasons which may be the topic for another post but he hides them behind pathetic reasons which makes me hurt all the more. It takes two to make a baby and I very much want him to be the other part of it, which means I have to wait.
My biggest symptoms are:
1. A huge feeling of failure when my period begins. I can usually tell in advance that one is coming but I 'pretend' to myself that it isn't and then it arrives anyway and I feel like I'm the biggest failure in the world. It is not dissimilar to either depression or normal menstrual upset, but it does feel markedly different.
2. Dreams and daydreams about being pregnant or having my own children, which can leave me feeling almost bereaved when they end.
3. Problems with friends - I can find it difficult to react around friends with small children or pregnant bellies. I'm most comfortable after the child has been born if I'm allowed to look after the child - I'll quite happily go shopping with someone else's child on my hip, for instance - but then people will tell me how natural I look with the child and I want to cry because of course I look natural with children because this is what I was born to do! And then comes that horrible moment when I have to give the child back. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to keep their child, I want to give birth myself but in the meantime the best I can have is borrowing another small person for a while.
There's also difficulty in relating to people who use social networks to complain or boast about their children. I find it frustrating to hear parents whining about behaviour which I know to be normal, I feel like screaming at them and then remember that as a non-parent I'm not entitled to offer an opinion on raising children because I don't know what it's like. And then I remember that I don't know what it's like and maybe it really is as awful as some people seem to think and then someone else will go on about how blessed they are to be a parent and I want to cry.
4. Inability to focus on anything but babies. As I've said, my partner, whom I affectionately call "The Husbit", isn't broody in the least and this can be a big problem when the only thought on my brain is "baby baby baby baby baby". I can risk missing stops on trains or buses, completely blank out the world around me, so focussed am I on my maternal day dream.
And this frightens me because the more time I spend dreaming about it the more afraid I am that I won't be much of a parent when my babies do come along because what if it's nothing like I think? And of course it won't be as I've imagined because all children are different so what if I turn out to be a terrible mother becuase I've put the idea of motherhood on a pedastool? Though I look at other parents out there and I think I'll be ok. I just need the baby.
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