So how did it happen? In my more lucid moments I think it is a self-defence mechanism. I'm slowly but surely closing myself off from the thing that I want most of all for myself. In my less lucid moments it means something else entirely.
It means I'm not ready any more. It means I've lost that ability to be a good mother and career. Or it means I've missed the gap. In my darkest moments it means I've missed that fertile time. I'm 24. That's highly unlikely. It doesn't make any difference to how I feel.
When you're young and you tell people you feel like this they tell you to babysit - That'll teach you. If you google "curing broodiness" the link at the top of the list is Yahoo Answers. I can't say I find her grammar or use of English brilliant, but I do understand what she is going through, and to me the answer "Chosen by Voters" is awful. I've partially coped the answer below -
"you're 21? you've got your whole life ahead of you, why on earth would you want to give it all up for a screaming brat at this age?
Look after someone else's kids for a couple of days - when my boyfriend's niece and nephew toddlers stayed I didnt even have time for a bath in 2 days - it put me off children for LIFE"
Society feels this is a *good* answer to the question "Is there a cure for broodiness?". I can tell you right now it is not. For starters broodiness is not something you choose to feel. The fact that the questioner is only 21 means NOTHING. I've had feelings of actual broodiness (not just enjoying kids and liking baby dolls) since I was 13 years old. The fact is this woman, and many like her (like us) know full well we have our whole lives ahead of us. The question asked was for a cure to stop her feeling like this. She knows she can't have a baby right now, she's being sensible. MAKING OUT WE ARE STUPID FOR WANTING THIS IS NOT HELPING. "Why on earth would we want to give it all up"? Simple. It is all we think about, it hits us, usually at least once a day, that we do not have children. The only thing we would be "giving up" is that. I know that I'm not a party girl, I'm not someone who wants to be at every social event and every party. What I want is to be at home with my family. Secondly looking after other people's children is no substitute for having your own. I babysat for many years, I worked in a nursery, a primary school and I am a Secondary school teacher. None of these experiences has diminished or quashed my broodiness. It is not a simple case of "wanting children", the broodiness I feel is for the WHOLE package. I want to experience everything, I imagine the late nights and the screaming. I consider what I would do, I consider how I would react to situations. For example if I knew I needed a bath and I had two small children to care for I would make sure they had a bedtime routine that gave me time once they were in bed for a wash. Or if they were young enough and I had a big enough bath I would share a bath with them. Or, more likely, I'd nip in the shower for 5 mins just before I went to bed and sleep with wet hair (not exactly unusual for me anyway!). Essentially the only thing that answer has done is show me that the writer has never experienced broodiness.
However none of this gets us any closer to the issue of curing broodiness. I don't believe it can be "cured" per se. None of us on this blog have had children, but on the famous Netmums website there is a thread populated by women who have 1, 2 or more children searching for an answer to broodiness- Netmum's thread. But even here the offers of help are limited to reminding yourself that now is not the time (a reminder we give ourselves daily) and expressions of relief that they are not the only ones.
So what do we do to live with broodiness? What techniques or strategies have we developed to get through the day?
Here are a few of mine -
1. Write. Long before I started this blog I kept a diary, and when I stopped writing that regularly I started keeping Word documents on the days I needed to vent. Now I put some of those vents here. Sometimes they go into a folder on my laptop - sometimes they need to be private. But the important thing for me is that I write. I get all those emotions out in black and white and I don't stop until everything is on the page(s). Sometimes I can't type quick enough, then I write in a notebook. I have tens of notebooks with random pages in the middle full of rants and raves and scribbles. But at least it's out; if only for a moment.
2. Walking. Since getting my dog I've had to do a lot more walking. I don't always use this time as a distraction, sometimes I use it as constructive baby crazy time. I give myself the length of the walk to day dream, to focus on it, to really engross myself in all things maternal. Then when I walk back through the door I put all those issues down with the lead on the table. Then they have to stay there until I pick up that lead again. This works better than I expected it to. It also gives me an incentive to walk the dog!
3. Refocus. This one is easier said than done because it requires something else to be strong enough to break through. When I start to day dream I have to STOP and refocus on something else. If I feel like I'm going to have a bad day I start by making a list. I make it as detailed as possible i.e. rather than "Plan Year 7 Lessons" I will have "1. Plan Starter activity for first Year 7 lesson. 2. Plan main activity for first Year 7 lesson. 3. Plan plenary for first Year 7 lesson" and so on for the entire half term. Broken down like that it means I can tick off lots of things (often all at once as you usually plan a lesson in one go) and I have small, manageable things that I can re-focus on. It doesn't always work. I'm rather good at procrastination.
So those are just a few of mine. I will try and add to my strategies as I think of them and please do add your own in the comments!
One thing that frustrates me about the "you've got your whole life ahead of you" response is that, actually, i kind of wanted my children to be moving out whilst i was still young enough to really appreciate life. This may seem a strange thing to say, especially as my Dad is in his 60's and still seems quite young, but speaking to my dad makes me realises he feels older than he appears and that bothers me.
ReplyDeleteI want to be able to spend time with my grandchildren whilst i'm energetic enough to keep up with them.
I don't want to find out too late that I can't get pregnant.
On the subject of screaming babies, not only do i include this in my daydreaming, but even pre-/post-natal depression: i have depression anyway so it is something i fear. I daydream the negatives as well as the positives because i want those negatives, because they are part of being a parent which is the only thing i can focus on at times.
In terms of dealing with it, I have to agree that writing is very helpful. For me, though, the biggest moment of relief i felt was when i discovered i wasn't the only one who felt this way. Reading and finding people to talk to, then, makes a huge difference - and i don't mean talking to a counsellor but to someone who feels it to the very marrow of their bones too.
For me, spending time with other people's children actually can help - it doesn't "remove" the broodiness but tempers it slightly - i still want my own child, maybe even more than before, but i feel like i can cope with not having one yet, for a little while.