Guilt

There are days when I feel guilty for being so broody. One of the biggest reasons for this is that the world is already so overcrowded that it seems vastly unfair to increase the strain upon. But then, I would rather do my bit to help reduce the risk of an "idiocracy" forming. Another reason is that I worry about the impact it (my incessant broodiness) has on my relationship with Husbit, but that seems to be as strong as ever so I can let that rest for now.

Today, my guilt stems from thinking about the couples out there actively trying to get pregnant without success - the people who feel as I do and are doing something about it but without success. If I feel like a failure every month for failing to be pregnant when Husbit is doing his best to make sure I'm not, imagine how much worse it must be for the other women.

According to this site, 1 in 7 confirmed pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. If the sight of menstrual blood upsets me so much, how do broody women cope when that is their child flowing from them?

I feel as though I am somehow cheap for feeling so powerfully when there are women out there who want a baby, a pregnancy, so desperately but, for whatever reason, struggle to achieve it. I do not know how easy it will be for me to carry a baby to term. One of my greatest fears is that I will either not be successful concieving or else will not be able to carry the baby to term but at the moment I have no reason to have this fear; there is no suggestion that I am any less than standardly fertile and similarly Husbit's family history doesn't give me any reason to worry there. So realistically I should just put the thoughts from my mind.

I still feel guilty for being so painfully broody when, in all likelihood, I will be able to conceive/carry a child with relative ease and through choice (a difficult and horrendous choice, fraught with sorrow, anger and "what-if's") am not doing so yet women out there are trying to become a mother and not succeeding. I feel like I am somehow reducing the extent of their suffering by, on some level, claiming the same. Like them, I am a mother without children. Like them, I am hurt to my very core by this. Unlike them, I have a choice in this regard.