How To Be Happy?

It seems that the pregnancies of friends and family comes in waves. I'm not sure if the previous monster wave has finished and a new one is starting or if it just ebbed a little and is coming back with full force. Either way in the space of a week I've heard two pregnancy announcements and know of at least a couple more people who are actively trying.

I want to be happy for them, I really do. It is joyous news and I feel like a monster for for not being overjoyed.

But deep down inside of me is that little voice that's asking why them? Why can they get pregnant when I'm not allowed to.

And in their happy innocence they seem to make the worst comments. Almost worse to me than the "why would you want to get pregnant" or the "you have plenty of time." No, these are the "well why don't you" or "we're managing on one income and this is our second child" the understanding that I really want to get pregnant but the confusion as to why I don't just go ahead and do it hurts more than the people who don't understand.

Today I was even asked why I didn't just go off the pill and not tell my husband (this is however the colleague who wasn't trying, just "letting god decide"). Now aside from the fact that we use condoms on top of using the pill, how can he think it's acceptable to deceive my husband, to trick him into becoming a father?

No, this is a decision that needs to be made together, and as much as it hurts, as much as I want to cry every time I hear of someone else, it seems I just have to grit my teeth, hold back the tears for a time when I'm alone, and wish them well.