Talking (becomes a rant)

One of the hardest things about the baby crazy is there are so few people to really talk to. I expect this is the same for any emotional issues - no one can really understand unless they have been or are going through it, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone! 

However there are some people that you *should* be able to discuss anything with. I desperately want to discuss what I'm going through with my best friend. The problem is he is also my husband. We have discussed how I feel, he knows it's a strong emotion, and he knows what I want. But that's just it - it's been discussed. As far as he's concerned we've come to our decision on the matter and it can be put to bed... but I've discovered it doesn't work like that.

The problem is I discovered that after I made a promise. I was talking about kids...quite a bit shall we say. I wanted to discuss our future and make plans. He said he needed space, and time and he explained why. He was very clear and I understand completely why he asked for it. So I made a promise. I promised not to bring up "that" discussion until he was ready. I didn't realise then how hard that would be. 

Many months passed. Children came up - we discussed things we saw on T.V., news articles about how parents of the Y generation are too soft, we discussed how we saw other people parenting, what we would do the same or what we would do differently or not at all. We skirted and we talked, but never about us and when we might have children. Never that. 

Then one day, not very long ago he said something to me. He said, out of the blue, I've been thinking. I think when you get your implant out I might be ready. That was it. No more was said. I couldn't believe it. An actual time frame. And for about 24 hours I was on top of the world. Then I started to realise some things. First of all, I'd gotten my dates wrong. It feels like I've had this implant for forever, and I thought it was coming out this October. It's not. I've actually had it for 20 months (now, when we had this exchange it was more like 18mnths). I've got another 16 months left. But I thought that would be fine. It gives me a chance to get the year in work I need and allows him to settle into his new job. Perfect. 

2 days later I was in the bathroom trying not to be too loud or obvious about my sobs. The months stretch out ahead of me in a way they never did when I didn't know. I've started to *hate* the implant... hardly fair on the poor thing, it's doing its job. 

So in some ways knowing that there is a "when" has made the months until then even harder. I go to bed at night  and think, "another day down". I'm so obsessed with getting to that point I know I'm missing out on now. Because it's all I've got on my mind I can't find other things to talk about, so the evenings have become quite nights of watching the T.V. or looking at a computer screen. I need to do other things, so I have other things to talk about, so that I can talk to the man I love with out breaking my promise... but it's so much harder now. Sometimes I wish he'd just told me on the day I'd had it taken out. 

Some days I do think of other things - I think about how boring I must have become to him. I think about the fact I might be loosing him because I can't make this soul wrenching ache go away... but something always happens to let me know he's still there, we're still good.  

Maybe the worst thing about it all is that even though we have a "when" anything could change between then and now. There is still no certainty so I'm building myself up with hope, crashing again because the hope feels so far away and it could all be for nothing! Some days I just don't know how many more times I can go round the cycle.