The trouble is, we've talked about it (admittedly I can't recall when so a significant amount of time ago), and in his opinion the case is closed.
But during my period I start crying (though he's yet to see the tears), I get frustrated, and sadly he ends up in the firing line with me snapping at him for no good reason. As the months roll past this seems to be getting worse with each period. I can now guarantee at least once during that week I will end up curled up in a ball in tears over the whole situation. And the more I snap at him the more it seems unfair to not sit down and explain what's going on.
How on earth do I bring up a topic that he thinks is closed and sealed for at least another couple of years?
I've sat and thought about what I want to say even..
After explaining about my periods and feeling frustrated, putting across why it's not such a bad thing... can I do that without making him feel like the bad guy, feel like I'm pressuring him or guilt tripping him?
- Firstly money - money is always going to be an issue and I think that if we sit counting the pennies they're never going to add up. While I don't want to lumber him with supporting all of us, including my loan payments, I think if we were careful (I have no qualms with second hand, or third/fourth/fifth hand!) we could make it work.
- Job. I work a crappy job at a coffee shop that may just be the epitome of evil corporate America.. But to their credit the benefits for staff are pretty good. If I got pregnant while I was with them I could get maternity leave (or the farce that is called maternity leave in this retarded country), and they'll even give me short term disability benefits so that I can get more than the regulated 6 weeks, and even get a (small) percentage of my pay during that time.
If we wait until my business takes off we're faced with one of two possible problems. Either the shop is open and running, at which point I can't take time off until we have a member of staff we trust there in my absence, and that is unlikely to happen for a long long time. Or, I'm still at the working from home stage (but let's assume it's doing well enough that I've left my crappy job and this is my sole income).. If this is the case then if I take any time off then I get no money whatsoever, and I have to turn business away, ruining my reputation and losing customers.. Quite honestly the idea of trying to operate a business while trying to get to grips with motherhood seems like a crazy idea and I'll take a farce of maternity leave over none at all!
I'd rather have the child before establishing the business.. my career will wait, my body will not.
- Which leads us to age.. I keep coming back to this. Again, even at 26 I'm passed my prime in childbearing terms. And if we wait until my loan is gone at 30, hubs will be retiring before our eldest reaches university (assuming they don't bump up the retirement age! ;-) ) if and only if we even manage to get pregnant straight away at that age.
So ladies, I bow to your infinite wisdom.. How do I bring up this closed topic, and how do I do it without making him feel like the bad guy, the unreasonable one?
You could start by printing this off or adding to it. Including all your fears, all his previous responses and why they may no longer hold true and then ask him to read it. Before handing it to him make it clear that you in no way think of him as the bad guy, simply that you feel you (as a couple) are in a place to re-open this discussion. Tell him if he doesn't want to discuss it straight away that that is fine but ask him to read what you have written. If nothing else it will explain your behaviour during your periods, and will also allow you to ask more of him in certain situations such as going into baby sections of shops, so even if he does argue the point you at least gain some support in dealing with the fall out.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note I also think it's important to remember that he's not the bad guy. This is something I struggle with, I tell people that I try not to discuss it for fear that he will think that I think he is bad guy. My problem is that some days I do. Some days he is the bad guy and those are the days I want to talk about it and REALLY shouldn't. So if you're on your period or in a bad mood with him DON'T bring it up. Then he might just have every reason to think he is being called the bad guy (because, well, he will be!)
Good luck. You're in a far stronger position that I am and it makes a lot of sense to do this now. I am also getting to know a lady called Michelle (of Matt and Michelle, she played Shafron and he played Elor in Aberddu) she has an 8 month old baby and he own computer design business, she might be able to give you some practical advice if you get to the stage where you need it.
I've started to let Husbit see me cry on my period - not every month, but just occasionally and never at the all-out stage because he can't deal with that; he wants to fix it but isn't prepared to do the one thing that (I think, I am terrified in case it doesn't) would. I tell him I feel like this every period and I give him the watered down version as to why. I also tell him to back off, very quietly, when i can feel the anger/frustration getting too much and he's learnt to do so and give me space which has reduced our period-related arguments.
ReplyDeleteI also have moments when I 'blame' him. I hate myself for feeling like that and usually redirect my resentment to his car, which seems to me to be evidence against most of his arguments. But there you go. When I feel like that then I can't risk talking to him because I can't be rational about it.
Husbit is not ready to have another baby discussion so I try to bring it up gently, when we're washing up or in the car - moments when he can't easily escape but he can address his focus elsewhere when he needs to. I back off as soon as he tells me he is uncomfortable. I also tend to talk about babies fairly non-stop when we're out with other people, so he can hear where I am without needing to take part. I find that helps a little but I want to know where he is - except what I want is to know he is where I am and I know that isn't the case.
I also think that getting babies begun before the business is a sensible idea if at all possible - at least when the babies are around you'll know what sort of time and energy you have spare, and they'll be school age before you know it. I suppose there's no way to convince you to move back to the UK with the rather wonderful and humane NHS (it will always stun me that the USA thinks of itself as superior whilst not offering free health care), but without that money will be a consideration however you can always find the money.
Good luck.
Have you had any luck re-opening the dialogue?
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I haven't had the courage to.. I'm scared we'll sit and talk and nothing will have changed and then I have to face up to the fact that I have to live with this for at least 3 more years.. I prefer my own little fantasy world for the time being
ReplyDelete