Firstly let me say I love you.. With all my heart, and more than I can ever show you or tell you. I don't let you know enough and I don't want you to ever doubt it.
I know I've been snippy at you. I'm desperately trying not to be, but sometimes it slips through.
So since when any of this comes up I end up in tears, I'm giving writing how I'm feeling a go. That way we don't get the endless circle of me crying then you feeling bad then me feeling bad etc etc.
I try not to bring up the baby stuff too very often (it may not seem like it but this is me trying). But it is always first and foremost in my mind.. If I can get through a day without being in tears at some point it's a good day. It tears me apart and don't even get me started on how I'm feeling as my period approaches :-\ (really, don't, it approaches messed up and makes me feel more insane than usual).
I don't blame you, please don't think that I do. I know you're being sensible (and one of us needs to be in this case) and ultimately I'm glad that you are. I'd rather have someplace to live.
But I have no one aside from you this side of the pond to share it with, to vent at/with and who understands how I'm feeling...
I guess it's made me more aware that I don't really have any true friends over here... I just hang out and tag along with your friends, it's not that I don't like them but there's nobody that I'm as close to as I was in Aber. I can talk online with [Rosslyn] and [Fern Kali], but it's not quite the same... And it's probably my fault, I've never been much good at making friends.. And I don't exactly go out of my way to meet new people :-(
What's really painful is that, apart from the geographical issues, I could have written that to my husbit (and nearly have).
ReplyDeleteEventual, I told him. We were walking down the road, arm in arm and facing ahead which made it easier somehow, and I just told him I was doing my best not to bring it up to often or take it out on him but I knew I wasn't succeeding as well as I'd like and I knew he was sensible and that logically I accepted that was a good thing but it was still very diffifult for me. He responded by saying "but what difference does waiting five years make?" and I nearly wept (maybe that's why facing ahead was easier, it was easier to keep that from distracting him) and explained that it made all the difference, that I couldn't wait that long, that it was killing me a little bit every day to have waited this long.
He went very quiet for a long time but we have both dealt much better since.
Maybe sending the email - or maybe handwriting it out as a note - will help you both too.
I sent it, and we've talked a little. It cleared my head and got it off my chest which helps, even if only for a little while.
ReplyDeleteStill, now its 2 years and 9 months til my loan is done!