Spirit baby

Trigger warning - miscarriage

I have never, to my knowledge, suffered a miscarriage. However, as has often been discussed on these pages, there are months when those first few spots of menstrual blood pull me into despair. A few years ago, when trying to find some solace after a particularly bad month, I was surfing the internet and came across a story that has stayed with me.

Spirit Babies - Chapter Excerpt from Part IV of Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife

You will cry. I cry every time, even when I steel myself and know what is coming.

But what does this story mean for me? I've not lost a child, but I still have my circle of babies. As I said I first read this some years ago, so I have no idea how much it has affected my psyche, but I have noticed an odd phenomena in recent years. To fully explain this I have to go back again.

My SO and I have discussed children since the beginning of our relationship, but a few years ago we had a discussion about names. I don't know if this was a mistake but it has made "them" a lot more real to me; at my worst (or best depending on my mental state) I can hear them, feel them, see them. I used to think I knew who was coming first (we'll call him J for now) but recently I've noticed that it changes, sometimes B seems to be "closer". I always thought of B as the younger one, but I'm not sure that's the case any more. I think they take turns now... maybe B was getting tired of waiting. It worried me the first time it happened, I thought J might have gone to someone else, but ze (gender neutral pronoun) was still there, just not the eldest any more, not first. Then next month they'd changed again.

So now I see my babies floating around me, close to me, waiting until they can join me in this realm. Sometimes they are so close I can feel them brush against my cheek. Just waiting.

Just waiting.

Waiting.